Time To… Get Sugared?
by Foreseer44
Summary: Max is called away for a special babysitting job and ends up in a horrific position that he never thought was possible. Can this self-proclaimed "evil genius" beat the odds and conquer his greatest enemy yet, or will he fail in hilariously pitiful ways? (My money's on the latter). (Note: The finale has been... revised.)
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Fresh Tv. I'm only writing this for fun.**

**~A/N~ I was bored, and I love Max and Sugar (not as a couple... ew), so I said 'Why not?' and ended up with... this. Constructive criticism is highly appreciated.**

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_Chapter 1: This Can't Be Too Bad, Right?_

* * *

Max received the call late at night. As expected, the mastermind wasn't one for having his so called "nappies" interrupted. After all, a future world ruler such as Max couldn't plot the destruction of Venezuela on minimal sleep.

When his phone rang the first time, Max merely rolled over in his bed. After a moment of silence, the phone rang again. Apparently this caller was intent on getting an answer.

Max groaned. He turned himself over and waited for the infernal ringing to stop. When it ceased, the evil genius smiled in content and pulled his covers over his head. After taking a few deep breaths and drifting back into sleep, the phone rang for a third time.

Each painful ring drilled into Max's ears, forcing him to whip himself out of bed and snag the phone from the charger.

"What?!" he screamed into the device. "_Evil_ needs its sleep!"

A women with a rather deep voice and a hint of a southern drawl answered back. "Uh, hello. I saw your add in the paper and wish to, uh, acquire your babysittin' services."

Max looked at his clock. "Oh yeah, at two in the morning?"

"Yeah, I'm _really_ desperate."

"Oh, really? Well, in that case,_ don't call back_!" Max slammed the phone back onto the dresser and sat on his bedside.

He pulled the covers over his stubby legs. "Stupid, stinky lady. That'll teach that blubbering imbecile not to disturb my slumber." Not a minute after Max had rested his head on his pillow, an _evil_ pillow to be precise, the phone rang again, and Max had finally had enough.

He grabbed the phone and let the caller have a piece of his mind. "Look, evil needs its rest, and unless you have a million dollar check ready at your door, I want nothing to do with you! Got it?!"

"Oh!" the woman chuckled. "Why didn't you just say that in the first place? I have plenty of cash! All I want is your service!"

Max smiled and his eyes were glimmering with greed. "Really? How much are we talking here?"

"Enough to make it worth your while."

Max stroked his chin in a devious manner. "Alright, I'm in."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I firmly believe that this'll work out for both of us. You can bet on that!"

"Yes ma'am, my services have a one hundred percent satisfactory or a death ray to the face policy," Max explained.

"Uh, what was that last part, again?"

"Oh, nothing," Max chuckled. "Just a little measure of security for my business. So, what's the address?"

"Well, it's a little outta' your way, but I know it'll be worth it for the both of us."

"Yes, yes, I know. Just spit it out! I need my nappies if I'm going to take over the world!"

The woman stubbornly grunted. "Fine. I live on the Honey Southerly's farm near the border. I'm sure a quick internet search'll give ya' some good directions."

Max grabbed a pencil and jotted the name down on a slip of paper.

"Alright then, I'll see you at... wait?! You never made an appointment!"

"Oh," the woman said innocently. Not wanting to anger Max any further, she was very straightforward. "Today. Noon."

"Today? Noon?" Max said bitterly. "That's in like... ten hours! An handsome evil genius like myself needs his nappies! You don't want to see my without my nappies!"

"Well," said the woman happily. "I guess I could just give this money to, I don't know, another sitter."

Max bit his lip and groaned. "Fine. I'll see you there."

"Oh, goody!" she exclaimed. "Then I guess we got a deal, huh?"

Before Max could reply, the woman hung up on her end. Max set the phone on the charger and plopped down on his bed.

While he loved making money and saving up to buy the materials for his inventions, Max wasn't necessarily one for long drives. The booster seat he had to sit on in order to see the road was hard and uncomfortable on his rear and his feet could barely reach the gas pedal. Having ridden a bike everyday since he was only six years old, Max hadn't gotten used to long drives, or any drives for that matter.

"What to do?" he asked himself aloud. "I need that enriched uranium for my bomb of doom, but do I need to work this hard for it?"

He laid back in his sheets and sighed. "Don't worry. Don't rush. I'll just take it one step at a time. Get up, go, get back, and _evil_!

"Max, go to sleep!" shouted his mother from across the hall.

"Yes mother!" Max quickly covered up with his bed sheets and closed his eyes. This was going to be a long day.

* * *

Max shot up and out of bed when his alarm clock signaled the rise of the sun.

"Uranium, here I come." Max tripped over his fallen sheets and fell on his face. He grabbed the white cover in his hand. "Curse you, worthless fabric. Do you _want_ me to fail?!

Max stood up and rubbed his sore cheeks vigorously before rushing down the hallway and starting the shower.

Quick, he thought. I have to be faster. My future as a ruler depends on it! Max opened the door of his cramped closet and shifted through his suits. Looking from one grey jacket to another, Max was having a hard time deciding because, "They're all so fashionably evil. How can I pick just one?"

"Meh." Max picked out a suit at random and rushed back down the hall to the bathroom.

After a thorough scrubbing and lathering with his "evil" branded shampoo, Max hopped out of the shower and wrapped a pink towel around his chubby frame. He looked into the bathroom mirror and admired his so-called "gorgeously sculpted" face.

"You've hit it big," he said to his reflection. "One job, and you're set for life!"

"And now..." The mad genius leaned in close to the mirror and flashed a devious smile. "It's time to _evil_!"

* * *

It was a long and annoying ride for Max, but he finally managed to find the county road where his client lived. Taking a sharp turn to the right, Max was nearly hit by a large pickup truck entering the highway.

Max fell out of his seat and slammed the brake. "Fool!" he shouted out the car window while shaking his fist in anger. "How dare you threaten the life of your future master!"

"Imbecile." Max slumped down in his high chair and mumbled curses under his breath before completing the turn and speeding down the road.

He looked from side to side for the large sign that marked the entrance of the farm as he had seen online. Max was agitated and ready to get the day over with. It was only 11:45 when he finally found the gate.

The large, worn out sign read, "Honey Southerly's Farm: As Seen On TV!"

"So that's how she has so much money," Max said to himself. "Figures."

Max drove down the bumpy, winding road until he was greeted by the sight of a massive silo and a large, red barn. Rows of corn ran parallel to the road and a herd of spotted cattle were grazing in a pasture in the distance.

"Interesting place," Max chuckled. "The prefect place to recruit an army of evil animal minions!" The genius let out a maniacal laugh. "Oh, now that's a keeper."

Max pulled up to the front of the farmhouse where a collection of old, rusted trucks were sitting on concrete blocks. The sun was intense, so he decided to pull out his pair of sunglasses. On each side of the frame were red horns that gave Max a devilish look.

"Sexy," he said, admiring his reflection.

Max unbuckled his seatbelt and slipped out of his booster seat. When his feet hit the ground, he looked over at the house and noticed the curtains behind one of the windows shift.

"Looks like I've been expected. Just as evil should!" Max strolled up to the door of the house and rang the bell. A sharp 'ding' echoed through the house and shook the ground around Max's feet.

Suddenly, the door flung open and Max began to introduce himself. "I'm Maximilian. You called..." Max looked up and gasped in horror.

"Hey there, honey bun!" the women at the door exclaimed. Her greasy blonde hair fell around her shoulders. The gap in her teeth had been brought out of hiding by her enormous grin. Her rolls of belly fat hung over her skimpy clothing.

Standing in the doorway was Sugar. A scantily clad Sugar, in fact.

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**~A/N~ I know what this looks like, but NO, it's NOT a lemon! I'm grossed out just thinking about that. It isn't a Sux (Max/Sugar) fic either. You'll see.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Fresh Tv. I'm only writing this for fun.**

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_Chapter 2: Just Another Day On the Farm..._

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Max couldn't help but scream. "What are you doing here?!"

"Easy," Sugar squealed in a southern drawl. "This here's my farm, and I'm your client!"

Max frowned. "Cease your shouting and explain why I'm standing on your porch! I have a life, you know! An _evil_ life!"

Sugar shrugged and her rolls of fat jiggled like bags of gelatin. "Well, I called you 'cause I need your services as a sitter. Fine and dandy."

"Ugh," Max groaned. "Could you at least put some clothes on? You're disgusting!"

"Uh, excuse me, little man. I'm the one with the dough here, so unless you want to live out of a box, you'll do as I say!"

"I will not take orders from a blubbery buffoon such as yourself!" Max angrily stuck his fist in Sugar's face. "As the sitter, the children will take orders from me, the most evil mastermind in the world! I'm their master now!"

Sugar let out a small giggle.

"Now show me the children so I can get this horrendous day over with!" Max demanded.

"Oh, the kids?" Sugar nervously glanced to the side. "Well, uh, they're nappin' right now and I really don't want to wake 'em up. So maybe it's best for you to come in." The chubby teen stepped aside and gestured for Max to enter.

"Oh, of course." Max let out a snort. "It's babysitting 101 that children shouldn't be woken up during their nappies." The genius walked past Sugar and rolled his eyes. "Of course, evil masterminds do too, as _someone_ wasn't aware of."

Sugar smiled menacingly at Max as she closed the wooden door. "Yeah, whatever you say."

Max entered the living room of the farmhouse and instantly grabbed his nose. "Ugh! It's smells like something crawled in here and died!" He turned to his hostess. "Are you even smelling this?!"

Sugar crossed her arms. "Uh, no," she said rudely. "You got a problem with my house?"

Max gagged at the stench of rotting flesh and excrement. "Well, you do live here, so you're probably used to rolling in your own filth."

"Excuse me, Max, but a pageant queen never gets dirty unless it's for a thematic show or a mud wrestling contest. And no, I don't roll in my own filth." She scratched her chin. "Although, I do play with the pigs a lot, and those pens are full of nasty stuff, so I guess you're half right!"

"Evil is never _half_ right," Max said, still covering his nose. "So, where are the kiddos at? I want to pinch their little round cheeks right now."

Sugar smiled gleefully. "Oh, the kids? They can wait. Until then, we can-"

"Uh, pardon me, but I'm a babysitter. I sit babies, so without children, I have no job. Now show your master where they are!"

"Now, now. No need to rush. All will be explained once we get some small problems outta the way."

Max glared at Sugar impatiently. "Oh yeah? Is one of those problems why you're taking so long to get on with what I came to this trash dump to do?"

Sugar put her hands on her hips. "You can wait a little longer, little man. Remember how much I'm payin' you for this?

"Enough?" Max answered.

"Right, and the better you work with your client, the more money you get. Deal?"

Max blew a raspberry and sighed. "Deal. Now where are the kids?"

Sugar giggled and Max raised an eyebrow.

"What's so funny?"

"Well," Sugar snickered. "The truth about that is..."

"Yes?!" Max shouted. "Spit it out!"

"The truth is that _I'm_ the baby!" Sugar erupted in mellow laughter.

"Yes, I know you're a big, stinky baby, but I'm serious. Where. Are. The kids?"

"Right in front of your face!" Sugar cackled, sticking her greased hand directly in Max's face. "I can't believe you were that gullible!"

"Evil doesn't like to infer!" Max said with grinding teeth. "Get on with it!"

"You ain't sittin' no babies. You're sittin' _me_!"

Max looked up at Sugar with eyes the size of saucers.

"What?" Sugar asked. "You too happy to flap your trap?"

Suddenly, Max let out a nasally scream and bolted for the door, bumping into Sugar along the way.

"Hey, get back here, you wily goose!" Sugar chased Max down the hallway and snatched the collar of his jacket as he reached for the doorknob. "You ain't leavin' just yet! Not until I'm satisfied!"

"No!" Max squealed. "Evil will not stand for this!"

Sugar lifted Max into the air and gazed into his eyes with a glare that can only be described as maniacal. "Looks like somebody's been _Sugared_!"

Max bit his lip as Sugar raised him above her shoulders and carried him down the hall. Max wasn't normally one to obey authority, but Sugar was not only bigger than the egomaniac, but more vicious as well.

Sugar carried her captive into the living room and dropped him on the couch. "Listen close, little man!"

Max nodded in fear.

"Here's what's goin' to happen. First of all, I just woke up and I'm very ornery in the morning. So, I'm going to go get dressed up for our special day while you keep your tooshie on this couch. Got it?"

"Of course." Max trembled in his seat.

"Good," Sugar grunted. "See how smooth this all goes when you co-op-er-ate?" The pageant queen walked into the hallway and looked back at Max. "Oh, and don't think about tryin' to escape again. I locked up all the doors and windows before you got here."

Sugar vanished down the hallway. Max looked down at his hands and noticed that they were shaking.

"Confound that woman!" Max said bitterly. "She has no idea how outmatched she really is. Once I manage to escape, she'll be sorry that she ever toyed with the evil that is _me_!"

"Hey!" Sugar shouted from her bedroom. "Keep it down!"

"Uh, yes ma'am!" The genius flinched in shock.

After a few seconds of dead silence, Max began to look around the living room. The brown sofa he was sitting on was coated in dust and littered with stains. The carpeting was just the same, but with darker and more noticeable stains spread across the floor.

The pictures on the wall were of Sugar and an obese woman who Max believed to be her mother. Shelves on the walls were stocked full of trophies and ribbons that were gleaming in the sunlight. In front of the couch was an old television set, complete with rabbit ear style antennae.

Max placed his hand down on the sofa cushion next to him and felt something wet. Not wanting to look down, the mastermind squirmed in place and wiped his soggy hand on the legs of his pants, leaving a yellow smear.

Suddenly, Sugar peeked out of the hallway. "So, you ready to have fun?"

"Hmph, no." Max looked away from Sugar.

"Well, if it makes ya' feel any better, I'm not nude anymore." Sugar stepped out to reveal her new outfit: a pair of vintage jeans and a large, pink t-shirt that read, "_Sweet as Honey_!"

"Great," Max deadpanned. "Now remind me why I'm even here, again."

Sugar innocently looked down and pouted. "Well, my momma's outta town for a while and I was really lonely. So, I saw your ad in the paper and just knew it was the right thing to do. All I wanted to do was hang with ya' for a day. There ain't nothin' wrong with that, right?"

"Not at all," Max said. "But lying to your new master and trapping me in your hideous abode is a different story!"

"Well, you're here in the land of Sugar now, and there's no way out unless you fulfill your part of the deal."

Max sighed impatiently. "Fine then. What are we doing first?"

Sugar smiled with glee. "Well, there were so many fun things for us to do today, so I made a list. Now I just have to find out where it's hiding." Sugar reached into her cleavage and pulled out a quarter. "Nope." Max stared in disgust as Sugar dug into her shirt and pulled out a half eaten piece of steak.

Sugar chuckled. "So that's where you went!" she said to the steak. "I'm saving you for breaky."

Max gagged a bit and covered his eyes.

"Got ya!" Sugar squealed. Max opened his eyes to see his new "friend" holding a piece of yellow paper. "Huh," she said, scratching her scalp. "I could've sworn this thing was white when I wrote it. Oh well."

Sugar walked over to the couch and plopped down beside Max. She handed him the piece of paper. "You wanna take a peek?"

Max groaned and leaned back towards the end of the couch. "No! Get that thing away from me. It's revolting!"

Sugar sighed and began to explain her plan. "Alright, first up is the introductory greeting. Then we'll have a nice little bit of pageant practice. After that, we can go down to the creek and try our hand at noodlin' for slimers! And finally, I'll cook us up a nice, homemade dinner. Sounds fun, huh? Kind of like, oh, I don't know, a _date_."

"No," Max said defiantly. "Evil doesn't date. Especially if it's with a blubbery tub of lard!"

Sugar curled her lip in anger and reached behind the sofa, pulling out a purple spray bottle. The pageant queen shot a burst of liquid at Max. "No! Bad Max!"

Max yelped in surprise and covered his face with his arms.

"No more disrespect, or I'll have to get crazy!" Sugar shouted. "Now, say what you meant to say!"

Max peeked through his crossed arms. "Uh, sounds like fun. Not as much fun as nuking a third world country or unleashing a plague on mankind, but fun nonetheless."

Sugar's face flashed with a dark, sinister grin. "Well?"

Max looked at her in confusion. "Well, what?"

"Say it."

"Say _what_?"

"You know," Sugar leaned in close to Max's ear. "Evil."

"No," Max said.

Sugar lifted the bottle again, causing Max to give in.

"Evil," he said without a hint of enthusiasm.

"Really?" Sugar asked angrily. "Say it like ya' mean it, short stuff!"

Max took at deep breath and let it out. "_Evil_!"

"Good enough," Sugar said. "Now do it in your baby voice!"

"My what?"

Sugar sprayed Max with no hesitation. "Say it now!"

Max sighed and dropped his voice to a squeaky whisper. "I'm _evil_!"

Sugar broke out in hyena-like laughter and collapsed onto the floor.

"Please tell me you're dying," Max said with his arms crossed.

"Yeah," Sugar gasped through her booming laughter. "Of hilarity! It gets better every time!"

When Sugar had calmed down, Max rolled his eyes. "Any other demeaning tasks that you had in mind?"

Sugar wiped a tear from her cheek. "No, I'm good. Now that the meet and greet stuff is done, we can get on with the good stuff!"

"Oh yeah, and what's that?"

Sugar shot him a joyful grin. "It's pageant time! Now, let's go get those costumes!"

Max felt his right eye twitching. There was no way that this was going to be enjoyable, and he knew it.

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**~A/N~ See? It's not a lemon. Hopefully Max and Sugar are still in-character and hilarious. And just to warn you all, this story will get weirder... much weirder. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, and I hope you stick with this thing until the end.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Fresh Tv. I own nothing; I'm only writing this for fun.**

**~A/N~ Just as I was hoping to do daily updates, school decides to load me with AP essays and the like. Oh well. I guess it's better this way. Enjoy!**

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_Chapter 3: Sugar, Spice, and... WTF?!_

* * *

Sugar grabbed Max's plump arm and lifted him off of the battered sofa. Max used his free hand to hold onto the couch cushion.

"No! Evil doesn't play dress up!"

Sugar became visually flustered and pulled Max away from his safe haven. "Oh yes, you will! You ain't screwin' up our perfect day with your bull-headed 'tude!"

Sugar heaved and tossed Max over her shoulder. "It's pageant time, and you're gonna enjoy it!"

Max beat on Sugar's back with his scrawny fists. "Evil doesn't participate in competitive games of fashion expression, you rotund behemoth! Release your diabolical master at once!"

Sugar smiled and strutted down the hallway, ignoring Max and his angry rant. When she reached the bright, glitter-coated door at the end of the hall, she looked over her shoulder at Max. "This is where the magic happens!"

Max had grown tired of beating on the fatty back of his captor and was only able to let out a stubborn grunt.

Sugar turned the doorknob and opened the door, revealing a large, open room with boxes of bright clothes and accessories scattered about the floor. In the center of the room was a stage surrounded by pink and white curtains.

The pageant queen loosened her grip on Max and the genius fell to the carpeted floor with a loud thud.

Max grabbed his nose in pain. "Ow! First you stop my nappies, and now you break my nose! I will have my revenge!"

Sugar giggled. "You still wear diapers?"

Max winced. "Not those nappies, you imbecile! The beddie-bye kind of nappies!"

"Whatever," Sugar scoffed. "Time to get this show on the road." She hurried over to the one the cardboard boxes and pulled out a dirty, pink dress.

Max nervously raised his eyebrows. "Uh, I'm not going to have to wear that, right?"

Sugar sniffed the dress. "Nah, it's too big for ya'. Plus, it kinda smells worse than a mule in a sewer."

Max crossed his arms. "Good. It's nice to know that my future minion has actual standards."

The pageant queen pulled out costume after costume. However, one costume caught Max's eye. He walked over the the green cloak and picked it up. On the front of the suit were four yellow buttons and a large, yellow stripe running down it's center.

"Hey," Max said, stroking his chin. "Isn't this-"

"Oh!" Sugar gasped in joy. "Look what I found!"

Max dropped the green cloak and looked at Sugar to see her holding up a small pig costume, complete with a curly tail and floppy ears. "No! Evil will not be demeaned by the likes of costumes."

"Uh, yes!" Sugar snarled.

"Uh, no!" Max retorted.

Sugar whipped out her spray bottle and shot Max in the face with a burst of lukewarm water. "Now, what was that you were tryin' to say?"

"Evil would... love to," Max answered halfheartedly.

Sugar clapped her hands and jumped in place. "Oh goody! Quick, put this on!" The pageant queen flung the swine suit into Max's face. He coughed in disgust.

"Ugh, have these jammies ever seen a washing machine before?"

Sugar ignored Max and continued to run her meaty hands through the boxes of clothes.

Max looked over the pig suit in his hands. It was just right for someone of his height. Suddenly, he heard Sugar release an ear-busting squeal and slapped his palms over his ears. "My diabolical eardrums!"

"It's been so long!" Sugar pulled a blue maid's outfit and a shepherd's staff out of the pile of garments. "I haven't seen my Bo Peep outfit in nearly two years! Maybe it still fits!"

Max scoffed. "With that frame? Evil disagrees."

Sugar glared at her companion. "Do I have to spray you again? I will if I have to!"

"No thank you. Evil is content with staying dry." He ran a hand over his wet cheek. "Well, partially dry, anyways."

"Perfect." Sugar gave Max a thumbs up. "Now put that suit on so we can get started."

Max ran the suit through his hands and looked at his grey coat. "Do I have to undress right here? Evil requires a restroom break."

"Restroom?" Sugar chuckled. "We don't have a restroom. Well, we used to have an outhouse, but then there was the drowning of '04." She pressed her hand over her heart. "Poor Uncle Otis didn't stand a chance."

"While your tale of woe is tragic, I request access to another room. A _private_ room, to be precise."

"Like a dressin' room?" Sugar scratched her head. "Sorry, but we ain't got one around here. Looks like you're stuck with this room for now."

"Fine," Max sighed. "Just don't peek!"

Sugar covered her eyes. "You got it, evil guy."

Max gazed from his coat to the suit; he was hesitant to put it on. Sugar would skin him alive if he disobeyed, plus he wouldn't get his payment. He slowly lifted his coat off of his tubby build.

"You done yet?" Sugar asked impatiently.

"Patience, foolish creature. Give your master a few minutes."

"We ain't got all day!" Sugar argued. "Hurry up!"

Max removed his pants and slipped the legs of the suit onto his body as Sugar stood in front of him, tapping her foot.

"Done," Max grunted, pulling the rusty zipper towards his neck. He looked at his new attire. "Evil is ashamed."

Sugar opened her eyes and giggled. "Dear Lord, you're adorable. Even _I_ didn't look this cute in that costume, and I'm just adorable no matter what."

Max felt an itching sensation near his thigh and scratched at his leg. "Gah! Something's nibbling at me!"

Sugar shrugged. "Oh, that's just the chiggers. Don't worry. You won't die, but you'll have a nasty set of bites."

The irritation was growing in intensity and Max was scratching even harder. "I think they've started a World War on my skin! Get them off!"

Sugar grinned. "Sorry, buddy. There ain't nothin' I can do. Looks like you're gonna have to get used to it. Now, stay there while I get the stuff set up for the show."

Max collapsed to the floor and continued to wildly scratch himself. This trip was becoming more annoying by the minute, and Max had a feeling that it was far from over.

A few minutes passed and Max had finally stopped scratching at the bites. The sensation was still there, but like Sugar had said, he would get over it.

"Ready!" Sugar sang from behind the closed curtains that covered the stage with a field of rosy pink. The curtains slowly spread apart to reveal Sugar standing in the center of the platform, wearing her blue maid's dress and holding her shepherd's staff in the air.

Max groaned. Sugar's rolls of belly fat seeped out from within the costume, which was quite a few sizes too small.

"Quick," she said. "Get up here."

Max sighed and made his way up the steps to stand only inches from Sugar and her massive figure. He crossed his arms and scoffed arrogantly.

"Oh man, you have no idea how long I've been waitin' for this moment," Sugar told Max as she rubbed her plump hand over Max's head.

"Can we get this stupid show over with?"

"Just a minute," Sugar said. "Let me get the camera set up first."

Max gulped in fear. "Camera? You never said anything about a camera. And for your information, evil is camera shy."

Sugar pulled a small video camera and a tripod stand out of a box leaned against the stage. "Oh, really? Well, give it a try. You want the money, right?"

"Duh. Of course I want the money. I just wanted to have an easy job. Instead, I'm stuck in this infernal costume of sweat and mites."

The pageant queen balanced her camera on it's stand and fiddled with the settings. "Here's a tip. Suck it up!"

Max frowned as Sugar brushed against his side while she took her place on stage. "Evil hates life."

Sugar smiled and looked into the camera. "Welcome to 'Sugar's Guide to Pageants.'"

"And _doom_!" shouted Max, prompting Sugar to violently nudge his side with her elbow.

"This is 'Episode Ten: Roleplay,' starring your host, Sugar." Sugar pushed her thumbs into her chest. "My guest today is the funniest guy outside of the farm." She gestured to Max. "Say your name," she whispered.

"Max," he deadpanned. "Your future ruler of the world."

Sugar glared at Max. "That wasn't your line, but whatever. It's time to show you how to make sure your competition gets Sugared good. Today, Max and yours truly will be demonstratin' the best techniques for winnin' roleplayin' shows. First off, make sure that you and your partner are on the same page and ready to work together."

As Sugar was rambling on, Max had grabbed a pencil and a piece of paper from the stage floor and written a note that he held up to face the camera. "_CALL THE COPS!"_

Sugar swiped the note from Max's hands shoved it into her cleavage. "What did I just say?!"

Max stuck his tongue out and mocked his partner. Sugar glared at Max and came up with an idea.

Without warning, Sugar grabbed Max's ear with her powerful grip. The short super villain screeched in pain. "Let your master go!"

As Max squirmed, Sugar looked back into the camera. "Today, we'll see how long it takes for the sweet little farm girl to make the cute piggy squeal."

"What?!" Max gasped and slapped Sugar's wrist. "No!"

Sugar pushed Max to the ground and straddled his back, keeping a firm grip on his ears. "Alright, little man. Can ya' squeal like a pig? I wanna hear ya' squeal!"

"Evil won't be shunned. You can't make me!"

Max felt Sugar grasp his arm and pull it over his back. He groaned in pain.

"Let me hear ya' squeal! Squeal like a pig!"

"Never!"

"Do it!"

"Never ever ever!"

"I said squeal!" Sugar pulled on Max's arm, sending a jolt of sharp pain through his body. "Squeal!"

Max let out a faint squeal. "Weeeee..."

"Louder!" Sugar put more pressure on Max's arm.

"Weeeeeeeeee! Weeeeeeeeeee!"

"Now that's a squeal!" Sugar laughed. "That's one for the record books!"

"I squealed, now get your rotund rump off of me!"

Sugar shrugged and stood up. Max tried to life himself off of the floor and felt an agonizing ache in his back. "My spine," he whined. "My diabolical, evil spine."

"Suck it up, Max." Sugar slapped Max on the back, doubling him like a lawn chair. "We've got so much to do in just a few hours." She looked towards the camera. "Alright, now that you and your partner are tight, it's time to start the performance."

"No," Max groaned. "No more. Please, no more." The evil genius tried to walk off the stage, but Sugar grabbed the curly tail of his pig suit and pulled him back.

"You ain't finished yet, little man! Not until the fat lady sings!"

Max fought Sugar's forceful tugs and the fake tail ripped away from the rest of the suit, sending Max tumbling into the video camera and off the stage.

Sugar gasped. "My camera!" She rushed to the side of the platform and picked up her smashed equipment. "It was... my baby!" Sugar shot a glare at Max.

"Hmph, I did you a favor. Any cops who saw that would have you arrested." Max crossed his arms smugly. "You may thank me later."

"You ruined my camcorder! Filthy swine!" Sugar slapped Max across the cheek. "Do you understand how much footage that thing had on it? Three minutes! Three minutes of our special day!" She wiped a tear from her cheek. "I've tolerated your disobedience, but it looks like your gonna get Sugared... again!"

Max slipped out of his pig suit, leaving him in his underwear. "Do your worst!"

Sugar smiled through her anger and giggled. Max looked down and noticed his lack of attire. He covered himself with the limp pig costume and groaned.

"Okay, I forgive you. But now... it's noodlin' time!"

"Can I get in my old clothes please?" Max whined. "And just to ask, what is this 'noodlin' you speak of?"

Sugar's face lit up with a mischievous grin. "Oh, you won't need your clothes for this job. It's all panties now!"

"And what 'job' am I doing, exactly?"

"You ever been bitten by a flathead catfish before?"

Max rolled his eyes. "Uh, no."

"Well then, you're in for quite a surprise then."

* * *

**~A/N~ Yep, we're going fishing. As an avid fisherman myself, I can believe that this is probably the only story on the site (Total Drama, anyway) to feature a chapter about fishing. This is only the beginning, so prepare for some crazy stuff.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Fresh Tv. I'm only writing this for fun.**

**~A/N~ School was being a B... again. Sorry, but school is the top priority right now. Anyways, enjoy the new chapter. :)**

* * *

_Chapter 4: Oh, the Irony!_

* * *

Sugar and Max left the stage room and were walking down the hallway when the evil genius sighed in despair. Sugar took notice to this and calmly rested her hand on his bare shoulder.

"Don't fret, Max. If you're still glum over losing that footage, we can always do it again. I have a spare camera somewhere."

Max shuddered. "It's not the video I'm upset about. It's being in this dump you call home that's ruining my day. Of course, walruses like you wouldn't understand."

Sugar groaned. "I know you haven't been enjoyin' our special day, but I promise that by dusk, you'll want to come back tomorrow for more sugary goodness."

Max rolled his eyes. "Only when pigs fly."

"_Evil_ pigs?" Sugar asked with enthusiasm.

"Yeah, whatever."

Sugar smiled. "Great, now let's go get us some supper!" She grabbed Max's plump arm and pulled him down the hallway, dragging his entire body along the ground. When the two reached the front door, Sugar dropped his limb and lifted a set of keys off of a rusty nail that was jammed into the wall.

Max raised his head and massaged his carpet-burned cheeks. "Just get on with it!"

Sugar looked over each key at a snail's pace. "Hold your horses. I have to find the right key!"

The mastermind stood up and watched Sugar fiddle with the jingling keys. Then he got an idea. If he remembered which key unlocked the door, he could sneak out and drive away when his captor would be preoccupied with other matters!

"So, uh, what does this key look like?" Max asked innocently, trying to cover his intentions. "Maybe I could find it."

"Tough luck, buddy." Sugar singled out a golden key with a chip in the handle. "Found it!"

Max burned the image of that key into his memory before Sugar slipped it into the keyhole and opened the front door. This was his way out.

Sugar settled the key ring back on the nail and pulled Max outside with her. The sunlight burned Max's eyes, forcing him to shade his face with his hands. He looked around the driveway and saw his car resting a few meters away. He was tempted to run to his vehicle and leave Sugar in a cloud of dust, but then he realized that his keys where still in his suit, which was still inside the house.

"So, where are the fish?" Max asked. "Or are you too dull to know where to go?"

Sugar stretched her arms to the sky, revealing her rolls of arm fat to the evil wannabe. "We're goin' down to the river," she explained. "It's a little bit of a drive, but we'll be there in a jiffy."

"I don't suppose we'll be riding in one of those?" Max pointed to the multitude of rusted trucks that sat on blocks of concrete behind the house.

"Of course not, silly." Sugar giggled and rubbed her knuckles on Max's head. "I got a mule in the shed we can use."

"Evil doesn't ride asses," Max deadpanned. "Try again."

"Not that kind of mule!" Sugar snarled. "It's a car thingy!"

"Oh, I stand corrected," Max said arrogantly.

"Now stay here and don't move!" Sugar pressed her meaty finger against Max's forehead. "Try and escape and your dough's gettin' shredded."

Max rubbed his forehead as Sugar pranced around the corner of the farmhouse. He blew a raspberry and sat down on the rocky ground.

"Just a few hours left," Max said, picking up a small twig and drawing pictures in the dirt. "Just a few more stupid hours."

He looked up at his car and scratched his head in thought. He stood up, casually walked over to the driver's side door, and fiddled with the handle to find out that the car wasn't locked. Max's heart raced with adrenaline as thoughts of driving away from the farm filled his mind with glee. But without his car key, he wasn't going anywhere, and there really wasn't anything in the car that he could make use of.

Suddenly, the roar of an engine echoed across the farm and Max jumped in shock, closing the car door and hurried back to where Sugar had left him.

Within seconds, a black vehicle had rolled around the corner of the house and parked in front of the evil mastermind. It wasn't really a vehicle as much as it was a frame on wheels, like a buggy.

"So, ya' ready?" Sugar asked.

Max snorted ignorantly. "Unless we're taking over the world, not really."

"Get on the mule, Max," Sugar deadpanned.

The genius rolled his eyes and crawled onto the passenger's side of the mule, struggling to raise his short body onto the seat. Sugar grabbed his arm and pulled him up.

"Onward to adventure!" she bellowed, pushing down on the gas pedal and rocketing the mule across the pastures.

Max grabbed onto his seat to avoid being thrown off during the bumpy ride. Each bump in the road sent him crashing into Sugar or leaning out the window.

"This is more fun than cow tippin' durin' the mating season!" Sugar howled in joy, forcing Max to shield his eardrums with his hands.

Sugar tapped her visitor on the shoulder. "Hey, you better hold on! We're going through the muddy stuff!"

"Muddy stuff?!" Max groaned. "Evil doesn't like-"

Suddenly, the vehicle crashed through a massive puddle of thick, black mud, coating Max from head to toe in blotches of muck.

He squirmed and let out a childish whine. Sugar laughed.

"How dare you laugh at my misfortune! Mud is no laughing matter... this is mud, right?!"

"It's what's in the mud you should be worryin' about!"

"Like fecal matter?!" Max gasped in horror. "Not again!"

"That, and parasites!"

Max was thrown into Sugar's flabby sides by another bump.

"But don't worry, little man. That'll wash off when we hit the water!"

"Swimming!? You said we were going fishing!"

Sugar giggled. "Yeah, with our hands!"

"Hands?" Max asked. "Evil demands an explanation!"

Before Max could receive an answer, Sugar slammed the brake and sent Max tumbling out of the mule in a daze.

The scantily dressed pageant queen turned the vehicle off and stepped out, overlooking the riverbank.

"Well?" Max groaned as he stood up. "Explain!"

Sugar turned to Max and smiled. "Well, my family has a little time-honored tradition we practice every year: noodlin' for catfish!"

"And why does evil have to use it's hands for this 'noodling' business?" Max crossed him arms stubbornly.

"When ya' go noodlin,' there ain't a rod or reel in sight. It's all about your hands, strength, and endurance. Well, and holdin' your breath too, if the water's deep."

"That sounds horrible!" Max sneered. "Sure, my gorgeous frame could handle the tasks of which you speak, but my pure, evil mind is too valuable to waste on _this_!"

Sugar scowled. "Look here. I dragged you outta your borin' life for a day of fun on the farm. Now, you can either participate, or watch your money-"

"Yes, yes, I know. It'll get shredded." Max rolled his eyes. "Your threat is losing it's value the more you use it."

"Exactly! Which is why you're gettin' in that river and wrestlin' some slimeballs!"

Max turned away. "No," he said.

Suddenly, Max felt something lift him off his feet and into the air.

"No, put me down!" he screamed at Sugar. "I will not tolerate this behavior from my future underling!"

"Hold your breath!" Sugar laughed maniacally and tossed a screaming Max into the frigid water.

Max immediately swam to the surface and frantically waved his arms in distress. The cold river was searing his pale skin with it's icy grip.

Sugar leapt in with a bombastic cheer. "Cannonball!" She landed near Max, sending the tubby boy downriver with her massive splash and covering him with a blanket of frigid water.

Max screeched and tried to pull himself onto the riverbank, but his short stature prevented him from reaching the top of the outcropping. Exhausted, he gave up and inhaled deeply, letting himself sink into the water up to his chest.

"Told ya' there was no escape," Sugar chuckled. "You're goin' fishin' and you're gonna like it!"

Max gulped in fear. Sugar reached over and pulled him to her side by his arm. "Ready to have some fun in the sun?"

Max shook his head. "N-n-no," he said through his shivering.

"What's wrong? Is it the cold water?"

Max nodded.

"Don't worry, Max. You'll get used to it... if ya' don't get hypothermia."

Max whimpered. "Hypothermia?"

"Well, I've never gotten it before, but my Uncle Roy got it bad doing this exact thing. He didn't die from it... I think." Sugar happily snuggled up with Max, pressing him against her curves. "But don't worry, little man. I'll keep ya' plenty warm."

"Yeah," Max said sarcastically. "With your bl-blubber!"

"Whatever," Sugar said. "Now let's get to fishin."

Max was dragged through the ripping current along the side of the river as Sugar examined every inch of the rocky wall that ran alongside the stream.

Sugar finally stopped and tapped Max's shoulder. "Here!"

Max looked at the rocks and scoffed. "Re-really? I don't see any f-fish."

"The fish are in the water, silly. Just stick your hands in the holes in rocks and let nature take it's course."

Max frowned. "Evil doesn't stick limbs into ho-holes."

"I said 'Stick your hands into the hole!'" Sugar growled in anger and splashed Max in the face with river water. The genius groaned and splashed violently.

When Max had calmed down, he rolled his eyes and sighed. "Fine. I'll do it. But if I get eaten, you can see my parents in court." Max swam by Sugar and pressed his body against the rocks

"Do you're parents even know you're here?" Sugar asked slyly.

"No. I told them I was off babysitting for a few hours. I didn't actually think that I'd be sitting a manatee, so I didn't leave directions."

Sugar stroked her chin. "Interesting."

Max fiddled around with the opening in the rocks and gave up after a few seconds. "Nobody's home. What a waste."

Sugar pushed Max out of her way and reached into the underwater cave. "Move aside. Leave this to the per-fessionals."

Max watched as Sugar violently shoved her hands into the hole and dove under the surface. When she breached, Sugar squealed. "There's one in there! He ain't big, but he's a meal. You wanna get him?"

"Uh, no." Max scoffed and crossed him arms. "I'm too gorgeous to die."

"He ain't gonna hurt ya' unless ya' let him." Sugar tried to encourage Max with her calm words. "The worst damage you'll get is some cuts on your fingers."

Max rolled his eyes and reached into the hole again.

"Yeah," Sugar cheered. "You show that fishy who his evil mastermind is!"

"Your flattery will get you nowhere," Max said. "Of course, referring to me as a mastermind does make you more tolerable as a minion and my... Ahhhhhhhhhh!"

Max screamed and fell back as something latched onto his hand. A searing pain shot through his palm and he jerked his hand out of the water, bringing a long, slender creature with it. It was a snake.

Sugar gasped and grabbed the fanged serpent, flinging up on land with her bulky arms.

"Dear Lord!" Sugar gasped. "I gotta suck the venom out! Gimme your hand!"

Max screamed. "No! It's fine! It's not poisonous! I know my reptilian minions like the back of me hand, so back off, underling!"

Sugar ignored Max and grabbed him by the arms. Suddenly, Max felt himself fly through the air and land on solid ground. Sugar climbed up after him and straddled his abdomen with her hefty thighs.

"No! Get off of your master, you foul beast! I will not stand for this!"

Sugar grabbed Max's hand and shoved into her mouth. Max groaned in disgust as she began to suck on it like a piece of candy. He tried to yank his hand away, but Sugar's jaws were a tight as a steel trap.

"I command you to release me! Evil has it's bubble!"

Sugar released Max's hand and smiled. "There. I got it!" She spat on the grass and stood up.

Max looked at his hand to see it covered in thick saliva. "Ugh!"

"Well?" Sugar asked. "Aren't ya' gonna thank me?"

"You almost killed me!" Max pointed his saliva-coated fingers at Sugar. "This is your fault."

"You're the one who got bitten!"

"You made me get bitten!"

"Well you, uh, you..."

"Hmm, no words?" Max taunted Sugar. "Looks like evil wins again, you, uh, dumb person!"

Sugar scowled. "Just get in the mule."

Max scratched his head in confusion. "I thought we were going to catch dinner."

"Just get in the darn mule, little man!"

Max smiled and brought himself to his feet. "Okay then." He hopped into the vehicle as Sugar joined him in the driver's seat. She started the engine and slammed her foot on the gas pedal.

"So?" Max asked enthusiastically. "Are we done yet?"

Sugar kept her eyes locked on the dirt road.

"Well?"

The vehicle sped up and Max fell back. "Hey, slow down a bit!"

The mule accelerated even faster and Max was tossed around the inside of the mule, bumping his head on the seats and frame.

"Uh, could you please slow down! Evil doesn't like high-speed rides!"

Sugar shot Max a frown and increased the speed even more. Max felt his insides rise into his throat as he was stricken with a sense of intense fear. For the first time in his trip, he was scared for his life.

* * *

**~A/N~ Yep, this could get ugly. I've planned this story to go for about ten chapters, but I may write more. It all depends on how far I want this plot to go and how much reception I get. I'm having a blast by writing this, so I hope I don't go too far with my ideas. Until next time, leave a review if you have any thoughts or just love (or hate) where this is going.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Fresh Tv. I'm only writing this for fun.**

**~A/N~ Hooray for quick updates! Anyways, this is my favorite chapter yet, and you'll understand why after you read it. The comedy is somewhat lacking, but not the plot. I'm just gonna say that this is where things get real.**

* * *

_Chapter 5: I Kinda Saw That Coming..._

* * *

The mule roared as Sugar smashed the brake with her petite foot. Max felt himself shaking to his core and tried to crawl out of the vehicle.

Sugar grabbed his wrist. "No. I want to talk, and you're gonna hear it."

Max took his seat and listened to Sugar while leaning towards the exit.

"I don't understand," she sighed. "I've done everything in my power to make your six hours on the farm the best day of your life. I played games with you, I took you fishin', and I was about to cook a good ol' country-style meal for supper. But you ruined everything!" A tear rolled down her cheek, staining her skin with running mascara. "You broke my camera, you insulted me, and then you hate on me for saving your life! I just don't know what's wrong with you! You're just so... evil!"

"Why, thank you," Max said, smiling at Sugar.

"That wasn't a compliment!" Sugar screeched as tears filled her eyes. "You don't get it!"

"Evil? Oh, I know evil like the back of my hand."

"Not that, you moron! It's me you don't understand!"

Max stroked his chin in curiosity. "Hmm, tell me more," he hummed.

Sugar glared at Max. "I've been lonely forever, and I never had any true friends."

"Quite understandable," Max said. Sugar shot her elbow into his side, causing him to yelp.

"Shut up and stop being so rude for just five minutes! Look, I've never had any friends, I've never been on a date, and I've never left this farm unless it's for a pageant! You're just like everyone else who comes here: arrogant and stew-pid! I gave you more than a chance, but you just kept pushin' like you were the boss of me! All I ever wanted was a friend to play with and a boy to love. Was that so bad?"

Max paused and pondered his possible answers.

"Well? Was it?"

"No," Max sighed. "The truth is... I'm a loser too. Well, not as big of one as you, literally, but still a loser. I have no friends, but I don't care. Who needs friends when you have minions who will do whatever you demand and more? Though I have no friends today, my plans of world domination are all I need. Just follow my advice and don't worry about friends. They'll just betray you down the road when you become all-powerful. See what I mean?"

Sugar wiped her cheek, staining her hand with black mascara. She sniffled. "I guess your right."

"Of course I'm right. Now, I despise the image of crying women, so how about we head inside. You can cook me that dinner if you want. I'll try not to complain too much, as long as you stop being gross and annoying."

Sugar smiled. "Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you!" She grabbed Max and gave the boy genius a tight hug, nearly suffocating him in the process.

Sugar released Max and jumped out of the vehicle. "Let's go. I'll have everything ready for dinner in a jiffy!"

"And my money too, right?"

"Yeah, that too!"

Sugar grabbed Max and carried him into the house without hesitation.

* * *

As Sugar shuffled her feet around the kitchen, Max had some time to retrieve his clothes and lay back on the couch. The television wasn't getting a good signal, so Max decided to do more exploring in the living room.

He turned over each and every book, looking to find something that would keep him occupied until dinner was ready. Max flipped through the degraded pages of an old cook book and picked up another large book. Under the book was a slick, polished stick of about a foot in length. The thin piece of wood was bent in a few places, giving it the look of a lightning bolt. Max casually tossed it aside and went back to searching through the piles of books.

Meanwhile, Sugar was stirring a massive pot of stew with one hand, and scratching her rear end with the other. A fly buzzed around her head and she flicked it away. She heard a shuffling sound coming from the living room. "Max, you okay in there?"

"No. I'm bored. You wouldn't happen to own anything interesting, would you?"

"You could go to sleep," Sugar called back. "I promise I won't draw anything lewd on your face."

Max walked into the kitchen. "Evil doesn't sleep on the job. Are you sure there aren't any machines around here that I could rig into atom bombs? This place is pretty much a scrap heap."

Sugar glared at Max. "I thought you agreed to stop mouthin' off."

"Oh," Max rolled his eyes. "Excuse me for my remarks."

"You should probably just wait in the den until dinner. It's better for my sanity and yours."

Max nodded. "Yes, ma'am," he said politely as he walked out of the kitchen.

Max looked at the front door as he strolled by the hallway. If Sugar wasn't standing right next to the hall, he could make a break for it and escape, and Sugar wasn't even close at the moment. But something had changed inside Max. He couldn't explain it, but he felt... remorseful. It was a strange feeling, but Max had never felt this way before. He didn't know why he was doing this, but he decided to drop his escape plan, even though it was entirely likely that he would succeed. He sighed and sat down at the couch. There was only an hour left in his shift.

* * *

Sugar poured a serving of stew into two bowls and placed them on the table. Max grabbed his bowl and pulled it closer, examining the dish with a careful eye.

"It ain't poisonous," Sugar deadpanned. "You can stop your worryin' and just enjoy the meal, you know."

Max nodded, picked up a spoon, and gathered a bit of stew. Pieces of vegetables and roasted beef composed the heart of the stew, but Max took a sip of the broth instead.

"Good?" Sugar asked him.

"Delicious," he gasped. "How are you so good?"

"Well, I-"

"Not you, the stew!" Max swallowed another mouthful.

"Oh," Sugar rolled her eyes.

"No offense to the chef, of course. This stew is one of a kind. You're clearly skilled in the culinary arts."

"Aww," Sugar cooed, blushing. "Thanks, little man. I've never cooked for anyone but my momma before, but I know my way around a kitchen.

Both teens were eating when Max asked a question. "So, when can I have my money?"

"After dinner."

"But, I'm almost done."

"What did I just say?!"

"After dinner," Max sighed.

* * *

The sun was setting as Max and Sugar finished off their dessert: a blackberry cobbler. Max was overjoyed when the clock struck six, but felt bad for having to leave Sugar alone. He certainly wasn't interested in returning, though he was open to a phone call every now and then.

"So," Max teased. "I guess it's time to go, huh?"

"Well, yeah, but-"

"Alrighty then, where's my money?"

"Well... I was thinkin' about that and thought that maybe you could... stay the night. I'd pay ya' double."

Max crossed his arms. "Sorry, but evil has a curfew that musn't be broken. I know it hurts, but I need my money now or I'll get grounded."

"Are ya' sure? We could go cow tippin' in the fields, firefly catchin' in the meadow, and then we could come inside and sleep all night long."

"That sounds... riveting. But I just can't stay any longer. I'm sorry, but I need my money. You promised a large sum, if I remember correctly."

Sugar stood up and eased her way in front of the hallway entrance. "Oh, come on. Please. I won't be a bother. I swear."

"I know. Just give me my money already. You swore, and evil hates liars."

"No," Sugar exclaimed.

"Uh, yes!" Max shouted in return.

"You ain't goin' nowhere! You're the first boy who ever liked me by the end of the day, and I ain't lettin' this go to waste." Sugar blocked off the exit with her hulking frame as Max rolled his eyes impatiently.

"Look," he said. "I have a bedtime, and I want my money, so move before I whip out my death ray and blast you to bits!"

Sugar remained silent, glaring at Max with burning intensity.

"Well?"

"I lied."

"What?" Max asked in confusion.

"There ain't no cash. Not a penny."

Max's eyes widened in realization. He had been duped, big time. Suddenly, he grabbed the China bowl off of the table and flung it at Sugar, hitting her in the face and shattering the bowl to bits. Sugar fell down and Max ran down the hallway, screaming his head off. He reached for the key chain and grabbed the key for the front door. He looked back to see Sugar rubbing her sore forehead, still lying on the floor.

Max jammed the key into the hole and opened the door. He ran down the driveway towards his car, pulling his own set of keys out of his pocket.

Sugar roared in anger and burst out of the house, charging at Max with the desire to kill. Max opened the car door and closed himself inside. He started the engine as Sugar slammed her body into the side of the car. The driver's side window cracked and Sugar smiled nefariously, pushing her arm into the quickly breaking glass.

Max smashed the gas pedal, sending his car forward and crashing into a wooden fence. He quickly switched into reverse and shot backwards, hitting Sugar as she charged the car. Max turned away and started driving down the driveway, but Sugar leapt onto the hood of the car, hanging onto the vehicle with rage filled strength.

Using his quick thinking, Max spun the car around, sending his attacker flying into the ditch alongside the gravel road.

Max leaned out the broken window and taunted Sugar. "See you never, insolent fool. You are no match the evil that-"

A rock flew over Max's head, causing him to yelp and retreat into his vehicle, speeding away as fast as possible.

When Max got a hold on is nerves, he slowed down and looked into his rearview mirror. Nothing was there. He took a deep breath and laughed. "So much for her special day. Just goes to show that evil always prevails when-"

Suddenly, the sound of a car horn echoed throughout the darkness. Max looked back to see a pair of headlights speeding towards him. He let out a feminine scream and pressed his foot against the gas pedal, easing his speed above the speed limit.

Max felt his car shake as the vehicle smashed into the back of it, and Max fell forward. He tried swerving off of the road, but the headlights followed his path.

Then Max saw the lights of the highway. Hope filled his heart as he raced against his attacker to reach the safety of the public road. He looked into the mirror to see that the headlights had stopped completely. He laughed with arrogance and was about to make a snide remark about his evil prowess until he felt the car crash to a stop. The airbag inflated, smashing his face and nearly knocking him out cold. His vision became blurry as he tried to unbuckle his seatbelt, but his arms turned to pudding as he slipped into unconsciousness. The last thing he felt was a warm touch on his arm and the hot concrete on his back.

* * *

**~A/N~ Remember how I said that things were gonna get weird, well this is only the beginning. We've reached the halfway point, so you can probably guess that things can't get better for poor Max. And just a warning, what lies ahead my disturb you with its bizarre-ness. Until next time, review, fav, follow, or whatever. :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to Fresh Tv. I'm only writing this for fun.**

**~A/N~ I've done some thinking, and I think I've hyped this story to be more weird and bizarre than it actually will be. :P**

**Oh well, enjoy the chapter... unless you don't think you can handle it.**

* * *

_Chapter 6: Welcome... To Hell!_

* * *

Max's pet hamster fiddled with the dried grass in his cage as the sun rose above the horizon. The bedroom lit up with hues of purple and green, reflecting through the many vials of chemicals and compounds. A poster of a nuclear explosion hung above the empty bed that Max usually slept in.

"Max?" A soft, feminine voice rang throughout the house. "Are you up?"

A few seconds passed and someone knocked on Max's door. "Max, it's laundry day. You know what that means."

The door opened to reveal a plump, Asian woman with short, black hair; wearing a black t-shirt and pink sweat pants. "Max, are you-"

She gasped when she saw the empty bed. Her hands wrapped around her head as she ran down the hallway and into the den. She shouted at her husband, a chubby man with pale skin and a pig-like face. "He's not there!"

The man stood up in a flash. "What?!"

"He didn't come home!" She immediately ran to the front door and peeked outside. "The car's still gone!"

The father looked outside and sighed. "I'm sure he's fine. He's probably just running late."

Max's mother put her hands around her hips. "By half a day? He said he'd be back by eight last night!"

"Did he ever say where?" Max's father asked. "A note, maybe?"

"No. He said he was going babysitting. That's it!"

Max's mother grabbed her iPhone and dialed 911. Her husband grabbed her arm before she could finish.

"Look, I'm sure he's just running late. You always overreact to everything."

"But he didn't pop out of _you_, now did he?" Max's mother broke free of her husband's grip and finished dialing the number. She held the phone to her ear and waited for a response.

"_911\. What's your emergency?_"

"You have to help me," Max's mother pleaded. "Our son is missing and never came home last night. His name is Max Dow. Please, you have to find him!"

"_Just calm down ma'am. We have a forty-eight hour wait until investigation on missing persons reports, so could you please leave a description of the child and where he was going?_"

"Forty-eight hours!? No, you need to start searching now!"

"_Ma'am, it's the law. Now, could you describe the child?_"

Before she could answer through her rapid breathing, Mrs. Dow felt her husband pull her arm away. She fought back, but accidentally dropped her phone on the kitchen floor.

Mr. Dow caressed his wife's cheek and calmly spoke to her. "Look, there's no need to get the fuzz involved. The kid's smart. He'll know what to do. And even if the cops did get involved, they'd still see all of that stuff in his room and have him locked up in the loony house. Let's be honest, it's not like he's gonna die, right?"

Mrs. Dow nodded reluctantly. "You're right. I'm too obsessed with him. He's my son. It's the only thing I know."

"The only thing?" Mr. Dow asked her, raising an eyebrow.

"And you, of course." She hugged her husband and they both embraced the moment. "I hope he's okay. I really do."

* * *

Max crawled out from unconsciousness as his head pumped with the pain of a headache. He opened his eyes and looked around. He was seated at the kitchen table like he had been before he had attempted to escape. The table was covered in dirty plates and bowls from the last dinner, filling the air with the aroma of stew and cobbler. However, another smell caught Max's nose. It was a pungent odor that brought his eyes to tears. It was the smell of perfume.

Max moved his arms in panic and noticed that his entire body was fastened to the chair with duct tape, a redneck's best friend. The evil genius wiggled his legs and tried to break free.

Suddenly, the sound of creaking hinges echoed through the house. Max nervously turned his head towards the hallway as Sugar, dressed only in a pink bathrobe, saddled into the kitchen.

"Mornin', sweetie," she chimed in glee. "Have a nice nap?"

Max screamed. "You! What did you do to me, you fat cow!"

"Nothin' much." Sugar reached into her fridge and pulled out a piece of pie and a fork. "Breakfast?"

"No! Let me out of these binds or I shall inflict the pain of a long, slow death on you!" Max shook around in his chair as Sugar grew closer. She scooped up a piece of pie on her fork and shoved it into her mouth. Max winced as she chewed with her mouth open wide, getting spit and drool on his face.

"Now that's a good pie!" Sugar cheered and scooped up another chunk. She look at Max. "Eat up!"

Max gagged as Sugar brought the pie closer to his face. "No, you won't make me eat your revolting slop until I'm free! Evil won't be captured like this! Never!"

"Right." Sugar sighed and set her plate on the table. "I guess evil masterminds need..." She paused to giggle. "A little help sometimes. I guess I'll have to feed you myself."

"You kidnapped me!" Max screamed. "I hit you with my car and all you can do is laugh and giggle?! Act normal again, will you!"

"You really need to take a chill pill, Max." Sugar placed her hand on his shoulder and leaned in close to his ear. "After all, this is my turf."

"Evil transcends the boundaries of property. Let me go, or I'll-"

"What, you gonna kill me? If I remember correctly, you ran off the road. Your car's totaled and it ain't gettin' fixed. And now, your butt is stuck with me forever. It's like a dream come true!"

"More like a nightmare!" Max screeched and leaned back, falling over in his chair and crashing into the floor. He let out a whimper as Sugar lifted the chair and carried him into the living room. She placed Max, still tied up in tape, in front of the couch and took herself a seat.

"Say it," she snorted.

"What?" Max asked. "Not again!?"

Sugar whipped out her spray bottle and shot Max with a jet of water. Once Max had stopped shaking in fear, she asked him again. "Now, say it."

"Evil!" Max screamed with tears running down his face. "Evil! Evil! Evil! Evil!"

Sugar smiled. "Good boyfriend. Now tell me how beauti-lous I am, like good boyfriends do."

"Beautilous?" Max asked through his discomfort.

Sugar rolled her eyes. "Uh, it's a mix of beautiful and gorgeous. Duh!"

Max, not wanting to make his current situation any more horrible, answered Sugar as she had instructed, albeit very reluctantly. "You're... beautilous."

Sugar shuddered in bliss. "Oh yeah, that was great. You're an amazing boyfriend. I'm glad I made the right choice."

"Boyfriend?" Max gasped. "Evil doesn't date cows, or at all to be exact!"

"Oh, I think I can change that little mind of yours." Sugar grinned menacingly. "Just you wait, new boyfriend." She licked her lips.

Max became overwhelmed with fear and screamed like small child. "Ahhhhh!"

The pageant queen clapped happily and cheered. "That's so adorable. Don't worry, new boyfriend, I'll make sure you're taken care of just fine. You're the second chance I was always lookin' for."

"Second chance?" Max asked. "What do you mean?!"

"Oh, you'll see soon enough." Sugar stood up and caressed Max's hair. "After all, you're gonna stay here forever, so you'll have plenty of time to get acquainted with your new family."

Sugar moved her hand towards Max's plump cheek and his survival instincts kicked in. He whipped his head around and bit Sugar, causing her to rip her hand away from her captive. She looked at her palm to see a drop of blood.

Max laughed arrogantly. "Fool! No one can escape the maw of evil!" He paused and gagged. "Ugh! When was the last time you washed your hands?!"

Sugar growled and grabbed Max by the collar of his shirt. "Is that how you treat your lady?!"

"Uh..."

Before Max could speak, Sugar reached down and picked up a dirty sock; shoving it into his mouth.

"Maybe you need a little time to calm down and get used to your new life on the farm," Sugar mumbled in anger. "Maybe then you'll learn a little thing called respect!"

Sugar lifted Max into the air and carried the chair down the hallway as the mastermind screamed through his gag. She set the wooden piece of furniture on the floor again and pulled it to a doorway. The door was different from the other doors in the house. Instead of wood, the door was metallic and had a small slot at eye level that could be slid open to look in and out of the room.

Max felt sweat trickling down his forehead and looked up at Sugar in desperation. His face was scrawled upon with fear and anxiety.

Sugar smiled at Max and turned the doorknob. The door opened to reveal a dark stairway with no bottom in sight. "Enjoy your new accommodations!" She pushed Max towards the doorway as he tried to shake loose, but he wasn't able to put up a fight. Before he knew what had happened, Max was tumbling down the stairs.

He landed on his back and coughed the sock out of his mouth. Upon realizing that he had hit solid ground, he screamed up at Sugar, visible only as a silhouette at the top of the stairway. "You'll perish in the fiery depths of hell if it's the last thing I do, you monstrous beast! You've been warned!"

Sugar slammed the door, engulfing Max in darkness. His fear of the dark and spooky caused him to scream in terror as his eyes closed tight. Suddenly, a bright light flickered on, casting a spotlight on Max, who was still tied to the chair.

The light burned his eyes and he snapped them shut again. Then he heard something rustling out of the reach of the light. Max opened his eyes and his head shot to the side.

"A foreigner?" A squeaky voice rattled through Max's bones. He looked to the other side of the room.

"Oh, how delightful!" Another voice echoed through the room, although this voice was unusually happy and delicate.

Two figures emerged from the darkness and stepped into the light. One was tall and lanky with dark skin. The other was thin and frail with dirty, black hair and a tattered pink dress.

"Hey," the tall boy laughed. "It's you! Remember me?"

Max looked up at Leonard and screamed. He turned his head to see Ella leaning down and trying to touch his cheek. He screamed again. Ella and Leonard backed away as Max turned and tossed in his chair, trying to get away from the two fellow campers of Total Drama fame.

"Oh, dear," Ella gasped. "Please stop. You'll hurt yourself!"

Max continued to scream and panic. Ella turned to Leonard. "He's gone crazy."

Leonard sighed. "Tis the truth, fair Ella. It's too late to save him now. He's become... Sugared!"

Max screamed his head off as Ella and Leonard watched in despair. "Please! I'll be a good boyfriend! I'll let you conquer Ireland! I'll do anything! Just don't put me in here with them! Anyone but them!"

"Maybe we should try to help this poor fellow," Ella suggested. "He's a genius after all. He could help us, right?"

"If my spells can't save us, I don't know what he could do," Leonard told the princess wannabe. "But this knave might be able to help us in someway if we can reverse the spell Sugar put on him."

"But how can we break the spell?"

"Without my wand, I'm defenseless," Leonard sighed in defeat as Max continued to scream. "If we had a dragon scale and a toad's uvula I could probably concoct a potion that we could inject into his gallbladder, but where-"

"No!" Max gasped. "I'm fine! No injecting the evil! And no, I'm not cursed!"

Leonard sighed in relief. "Oh, thank the heavens! We thought Sugar had put her witchy spell on you!"

"What spell?" Max said. "I'm just tied up. Now, untie your master at once or pay the price!"

"Of course," Ella said. "As long as you promise to be a nice gnome."

"Fine, just do it!" Max demanded. "Now!"

As Leonard and Ella leaned in to free Max, the evil genius finally realized that even though he hated them, the princess and the fake wizard were his only hope at escaping from Sugar's clutches. This wasn't going to be easy, and he knew it.

* * *

**~A/N~ Two new characters have been added to the mix, so hopefully they'll bring some good laughs, as this is indeed a comedy at heart. Nothing should be taken too seriously. :P**

**Anyways, I hope this turns out good in the end. Like I said, I overestimated the potential weirdness of the story by quite a bit. Tell me how you feel about everything that's gone down so far. I'm dying to hear it.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Fresh Tv. I'm only writing this for fun.**

**~A/N~ After two chapters of seriousness and unintentionally dark subject matter, I'm ****hoping this chapter brings the jokes. Enjoy!**

* * *

_Chapter 7: Storytime!_

* * *

Ella delicately removed the last strand of duct tape and carefully placed it on the basement floor. "There. All better."

Max stood up and stretched his arms out in front of his body. He calmly rubbed his sore wrists and turned to face Leonard and Ella. "Good work, underlings. For a pair of annoying imbeciles, you actually managed to do something right, so if we get out alive, you'll each get one sticker on your minion report card."

"Oh, I love stickers!" Ella exclaimed. "Especially the ones with adorable kittens on them!"

"And dragons!" Leonard added. "Don't forget dragons!"

"Yes, yes, kittens and dragons are nice, but we must come up with a perfect plan for escape immediately." Max approached the two teens and smiled. "Now, who has an idea? Any idea will do. There are no bad answers."

"Oh, me. I do!" Ella raised her hand.

"Yes, minion?" Max asked. "What's your diabolical escape plan?"

"We could politely ask Sugar to let us go." Ella touched Max on the cheek. "Kindness solves everyone's problems."

"No," Max deadpanned. He turned to Leonard. "What about you, lackey?"

Leonard rubbed his chin and immediately sprung his finger into the air. "Eureka! We could boil up a skin-melting potion and hit Sugar in the face with it. Then we could escape while she's screaming in agony!"

"Now that's an idea I could get behind," Max said. "If it was actually possible! Ugh, your ideas are stinky and un-un-useless! You should just leave this job to your humble and handsome master."

Max walked towards the stairway and looked back. "Watch and learn, minions. This is how _evil_ pulls off an escape plan."

Ella and Leonard followed Max to the top of the stairs. Max nonchalantly approached the door and cleared his throat. "Excuse me, insolent door, but we must get through your passage. Now, would you please open up for your master."

Ella and Leonard shared a confused glance as Max eagerly awaited a response.

"Door, I'm warning you!" Max threatened the object, waving his fist in the air. "If you do not comply with my demand and reveal your passage, you will be melted into cheap cutlery when I take the universal throne! Now do as I say!"

Suddenly, the small slot in the door opened up, revealing a pair of menacing blue eyes. Max gasped and screamed. "You fiend!"

"Oh, shut it munchkin!" Sugar exclaimed, spraying Max in the face with water. The evil genius fell into Leonard and Ella, sending the three tumbling down the stairs.

Max sat up and groaned. "So much for 'Door-Whispering For Morons'. Stupid book!"

"Did we win?!" Ella said gleefully as she sat up next to Max. "If not, I could sing a song to cheer our spirits."

"Sorry, Madame, but this is a no singing zone," Max said. "And it shall stay that way until the end of time."

Ella sighed in disappointment as Leonard tapped Max on the shoulder. "Got any other ideas? I'm all out."

"Evil needs time to think," Max said. "Schemes don't happen overnight."

"Speaking of time," Ella said to Leonard. "How long do you think we've been down here?"

"No clue," Leonard answered. "Probably a few days."

"A few days?!" Max gasped. "You two have been here for a few days and still haven't gotten out... or died!"

"We're actually well fed," Leonard said. "Every night, or what I think is a night, Sugar tosses some half eaten steak down here."

Remembering that Sugar had pulled a piece of steak out of her cleavage earlier, Max gagged.

"Sometimes we get chicken skin as a bonus," Leonard continued. "If we're lucky, she'll even give us water."

"Sounds fascinating, but I have a question," Max said. "You two morons have been here for a few days, and haven't even tried to escape, right?"

"Oh, we've tried to escape," Ella told Max. "Multiple times."

"Yeah," Leonard said. "We've tried magic spells, magic beans, magic potions, Magic: The Gathering, Magic Johnson, Magic Mike, Magic with an exclamation mark at the end-"

"Okay, I get it!" shouted an annoyed Max. "I know you like magic. Now, tell me what else you've tried."

"We tried songs!" Ella interjected.

"No," Max moaned. "You don't know the first thing about breakouts."

"Oh, I had acne when I was twelve!" Leonard said. "I banished it to the depths of hell with a potion called 'Proactive."

"Not _that_ breakout!" Max groaned. "I'm doomed."

"Oh, I get it," Ella said. "In that case, you might want to know how we got here in the first place."

Max's ears perked in interest. "Really? Do tell."

"Well..." Ella started.

* * *

Ella pranced up to Sugar's doorstep and hummed a merry tune. She rang the doorbell and eagerly awaited her friend's arrival.

The door opened and Ella burst into song. "_My dear friend, Sugar, won't you play with me! Until we are friends, my soul won't be free!_"

Sugar glared at Ella and let out a deep growl. "Get off my porch you scrawny rat!"

Ella touched Sugar's cheek. "Oh, Sugar. Why can't we be friends? If we were best friends, I'd do anything for you."

Sugar suddenly calmed down as an idea flashed in her slow mind. "Anything?"

"Of course. Anything for you, my faithful friend."

Sugar's face grew a nefarious grin as she grabbed Ella by the arm and dragged her inside. "Oh, I'm so about what I said. Will you ever forgive me?!" Sugar pleaded overdramatically and insincerely.

"Of course!" Ella squealed happily as Sugar slammed the door behind them.

* * *

"... and then she locked me up down here to wait for... something. She wasn't too clear." Ella finished her story and looked at Max.

"Interesting," he said. "And you?" Max asked Leonard.

Leonard cleared his throat. "Well, I was on quest to save my fair maiden, the lovely Sugar, from her boring life. She called me on my phone and then..."

* * *

Leonard strolled up to Sugar's door and rang the doorbell. When the door opened, Sugar gave the wizard wannabe an enormous hug. "Oh, wizard," Sugar sobbed. "I thought you were gone forever! We have to catch up, now come in so we can get our special day started!"

"Hold now, my lady," Leonard said, fighting against Sugar's tug. "I can't stay. I have an appointment with another dame in one day and I need to get ready."

"Another lady?" Sugar raised an eyebrow. "Who's this 'other lady?"

"It's Ella. You know, from Total Drama. She asked me to a feast and I said yes."

Sugar glared at Leonard as her eyes filled with tears. Suddenly, her fist shot forward, into Leonard's face. The wizard hit the driveway and fell out of consciousness as Sugar dragged him inside. "Traitor," she whispered in his ear.

* * *

"... then I woke up with Ella by my side, holding my hand." Leonard finished his tale and tapped Max on the nose. "So, how did you get captured?"

"Uh, evil doesn't get _captured_," Max scoffed. "Evil gets defeated unfairly in battle with his foe."

"You went down fighting?" Ella asked with shimmering enthusiasm. "Please, tell us!"

"Well, if you insist, I suppose I have no choice," Max said happily, glad that someone was interested in what he said. "Listen closely, minions, for you are about to hear the true and not fabricated story of how I, Max, was unfairly conquered in battle with the harpy witch called Sugar."

Ella and Leonard leaned in closely as Max began his tale.

* * *

Sugar was sitting on her couch, watching television, when she heard a small knock at the door. She immediately stood up and dashed down the hallway to greet her guest.

Before she could open the door, the chunk of wood was ripped off of it's hinges by a brute force.

"What's goin' on?!" Sugar gasped in fear as she fell on her rear end.

"Your doom!" boomed a loud voice from within the cloud of dust that had been stirred up for some weird reason. Lightning crashed and boomed around the house, even though there was not a cloud in sight.

Suddenly, the house was shaken as a hulking frame pushed it's way into the doorway. Sugar opened her eyes and saw a huge, buff, and incredibly hot evil genius with purple hair and no shirt. His abs gleamed with definition and his giant arms were like tree trunks.

"Time to evil!" Max laughed in a maniacal yet oddly attractive voice. "Prepare to eat your brains for breakfast, fool! For I, the amazingly hot and extremely gifted Max, have come to save my poor minions from your evil clutches! No longer will you torment them and do lewd things to them in the dark!"

"In your dreams, you handsome and sexy man!" Sugar screeched, pulling out an AK-47 from behind her back. She let shots fire at the evil genius, but each bullet bounced off of Max's pecs as if they were shields.

When Sugar was out of ammunition, Max taunted her. "Fool! You should know that evil has pectoral powers! Time to evil!" Max said as he approached Sugar.

Suddenly, Sugar disappeared in a flash of light just as Max was about to get his hands around her neck. "Confound you, Sugar!"

Max turned around at the sound of heavy breathing to see Sugar standing behind him, breathing heavily with her eyes glowing red. Suddenly, the pageant queen began to grow in size until she was towering over the farmhouse.

Max smiled and pulled out a pair of scimitars from his pants. "Time to evil!" Max screamed as he leapt into the air and dug his blades into Sugar's leg.

The giant squealed in pain and tried to shake Max off, but the genius was too persistent for her slow wits, allowing him to launch himself up to her face. Max prepped his swords for one last attack as Sugar gazed in horror at the incoming blow. Thinking fast, she inhaled deeply and released a massive breath that blew Max away.

In mid air, Max dropped his swords and sprouted bat wings. With the power of flight, he soared towards Sugar and pulled a bolt of black lightning from his pants and threw it into Sugar's eye, blinding her and allowing Max to hit her where it hurt: her hair.

"Eat flames of darkness, foul demon!" Max launched a massive fireball into Sugar's bun, setting it on fire and burning her blonde locks to a crisp.

"You monster!" Sugar screamed in a deep voice. "My bun! Your gonna die!"

Sugar formed a massive ball of pink energy and raised it at Max. Unable to dodge, the genius was sucked into the ball of light.

Sugar cheered at her victory until the ball exploded, revealing a Max that was even more buff and handsome than before.

"Oh, God! You're too hot!" Sugar was blinded by Max's radiant glow, but she pulled a giant mirror out of her cleavage and reflected the glow back at the genius.

"No!" Max screamed as he felt his wings dissipate. "I'm too sexy for myself. My evil isn't strong enough!" He fell to Earth, where Sugar scooped him up in her hands and shrunk back down to size.

"Gotcha!" Sugar cheered. "You've been Sugared!"

* * *

"... and that is how Sugar tricked, uh, I mean cheated me down here... or something!"

Ella and Leonard had their jaws on the floor.

"That was awesome," Leonard said. "It's like I was there!"

"I agree," Ella said. "It was a bit violent for my liking, but it sure sounded interesting."

"Of course it was interesting," Max said. "It was about _me_! Now, how do we get out of this hole?"

Leonard and Ella looked at Max in confusion.

"Uh, escape? I don't know," Ella said.

Leonard nodded. "Yeah. We've been here for Merlin knows how long, and I don't think there's a way out."

Max sighed in frustration. "No need to worry. There's always a way out because..." He paused.

"Yeah?" Leonard asked, leaning in close with Ella by his side.

"She's screwing with the wrong _evil_."

* * *

**~A/N~ I promised comedy, so there it is in it's random and nonsensical glory. That'd better be hilarious, because it's easily the funniest thing I've ever written , and this has easily been my favorite chapter so far. Reviews = cookie, so tell me your thoughts on today's... thing.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Fresh Tv. I'm only writing this for fun.**

**~A/N~ Looks like the jokes in the last chapter hit pretty hard. Hopefully this chapter is just as funny, but I highly doubt I can beat what went down last time. Anyways, enjoy the chapter.**

* * *

_Chapter 8: Paging Dr. Psychopath!_

* * *

Sugar was sitting on the floor of the den and turning the knobs of the television. As she switched from channel to channel she was humming a hip tune. Suddenly, the pageant queen was interrupted by a knock at her front door. She groaned, stood up, and made her way to the door.

When Sugar opened the door, she was greeted by a pair of blue-clad police officers. Her heart dropped.

"Excuse us, ma'am," asked the officer with dark skin and a shaven head. "We found a wrecked car outside of your driveway. We traced the plate number to a Mrs. Dow, mother of Max Dow. You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you?"

"Uh, no," Sugar lied. "Not a thing."

The officer with light skin and brown hair rubbed her head and looked at Sugar vertical closely. "Do I know you from somewhere? I know I've seen your face."

"I'm Sugar! Ya' know, from Total Drama," Sugar posed and gave the officers a smile.

"Oh, sorry," the female officer said, jotting something down in her notepad. "Never heard of it."

Sugar gasped. "What?! You've never heard of Total Drama, or more importantly, _me_?!"

"Uh, no," she replied. "Now could you stop talking so I can finish these notes?"

"Notes?" Sugar snapped the notepad away from the officer and looked over the paper. Written on the sheet was her address, name, description, and another number that looked like a license plate number, possibly from Max's car.

"Hey, give that back!" The officer grabbed at the notepad, but she was too slow. Sugar shoved the entire pad into her mouth and swallowed it whole.

"Ugh," the dark skinned officer groaned. "Ma'am, that's disgusting."

"Good luck getting that back!" Sugar taunted the officers. "Come back in, oh, six hours if you wanna try."

The officers squirmed in disgust. The female officer grabbed Sugar by the arm. "Look, I can arrest you for impeding an investigation."

"Do your worst!" Sugar cackled.

The officer released her arm and began to walk back to her car with her partner beside her. Sugar glared at the officers and slowly retreated back into her house. When the officers looked back, she was gone.

"Ray, go watch the kid," the female officer told the other. "I'll call for some back-up. I think this is the place."

"She's a kid, Tammy. There's no way she's involved. What's the worst she could do?"

"I don't know, just do it. And make sure she's not armed."

Ray walked back to the porch and peeked in the open doorway. Sugar was nowhere to be found. He crept inside as Tammy tried to turn on her radio.

Suddenly, Tammy heard her partner screaming from within the house. She immediately pulled out her handgun and rushed to the door. "Ray?!" She screamed. It echoed throughout the silence of the house.

She entered the house with her gun in her sweaty hands. Every noise caused her to flip out and turn, ready to fire. As she entered the den, she saw her partner on the floor, out cold. She rushed to his side and felt for a pulse.

A small creaking sound from above caused Tammy to look up. On the ceiling, hiding in the rafters, was Sugar, sporting a huge grin.

"Belly flop!" Sugar cheered as she dropped down to crush the officer. Unfortunately, her aim was off and she crashed into the coffee table as Tammy dove out of the way.

Sugar gained her focus and stood up with pieces of wood stuck in her arms and belly. "Darn! That hurt like the devil!"

Tammy raised her gun. "Don't move! You're under arrest for assaulting an officer. Don't make this harder for yourself!"

Refusing to go down without a fight, Sugar bum-rushed Tammy and took her to the floor. When the girls hit the ground, Tammy's gun went off, creating a bullet hole in the ceiling.

Both Sugar and Tammy struggled for dominance in their tussle, but Sugar managed to pinch Tammy's neck in her pressure point, causing her to pass out.

With both officers down, Sugar stood victorious as she looked from Ray to Tammy and vice versa. She sighed. "The suits would never fit you two. I guess you're both goin' in the barn for tonight."

Sugar grunted as she lifted both officers over her shoulders and carried them out of the house and into the unknown.

* * *

Max was slowly rocking his body back and forth as he tried to sleep. As an attempt to relieve himself of his worries, he tried to whisper a quick 'diary' entry.

"Dear, Evil Diary. It's been three days of darkness, annoying cos-players, and food scraps, but I'm holding onto my evil and my sanity. Evil is unbreakable. Evil is awesome. I've heard a gun shot yesterday. Maybe it's Sugar killing herself so she won't have to undergo the torture I will infect on her with my selection of evil kitchen utensils and diabolical Legos? But if she kills herself, I'll be stuck in here with those two fools. It's gonna be alright, Max, uh, diary. We'll get out and see that Sugar gets her just desserts. Oh, yes we will."

"You can't sleep either," said Ella from across the basement. "Maybe you need a lullaby."

"Shut up, minion!" Max whispered bitterly. "I'm monologuing!"

After a few seconds of silence, Max continued. "Evil cannot be beaten. I will escape, even if I have to abandon these loons for the vultures along the way. My mother, father, and my hamster, Dr. Giblets, I miss them all, but mostly Dr. Giblets. I want my fuzzy wuzzy huzzy in my arms to hold. His soft fur on my hands is always so warm."

"I have to pee. Does anyone have a magical goblet?" Leonard asked.

"Shut up, nimrod!" Max whispered. "I'm having a moment!"

"His fur is so soft, and the way he diabolically stares at me is so adorable. He's my baby, and if anyone tries to hurt him, I shall make them-"

Suddenly, Max's speech was interrupted by the sound of a ring tone... in the basement. The evil genius shot up and looked around. "Where's the phone!? Find it!"

Max quickly traced the ringing to Leonard's pocket. The wizard wannabe reached inside his baggy mess of clothes that had replaced his wizard cloak and pulled out a cellphone. He answered the call and pushed the phone against his face. "Hello... Sorry, Timmy, I'm kinda stuck in a basement right now. If we get out, I'll let you know... No, I don't have my unicycle... Alright, I'll see you-"

Max gasped and stood up. "How long have you had that cellular device?! Tell me!"

Leonard hung up. "Since I graduated Middle School last year. Why do you ask?"

"Well, why didn't you use it BEFORE!? I've been here for three days and you had a phone the entire time?! Inconceivable!" Max grabbed the phone from Leonard and looked over it.

"Hey! That's mine!" Leonard tried to grab his phone back, but Max pushed him away.

"Well now it's mine, foolish minion!" Max laughed.

Leonard sighed. "Sorry."

"Sorry doesn't cut it for evil."

"Uh, excuse me," Ella said politely. "Maybe we should try to call the nice policemen to come and save us."

"Ugh, the fuzz," the evil genius groaned. "I hate the fuzz."

"But, Max, they're always so nice when they escort me out of shopping malls, restaurants, and my school. Just try it."

"And get my supply of enriched uranium confiscated? No! The last time I talked with a cop, they stole my stuff. No fuzz."

"Well, who do we call?" Leonard asked the two teens. "Timmy? My mom?"

Max tapped his chin and paced back and forth around the basement.

"We could call Sugar's mom," Ella suggested.

"Evil is no tattle-tale," Max replied. "And where would I get her number?"

Leonard raised his hand. "Oh, we could-"

"I got it!" Max shouted in excitement. "Think about our current situation. To defeat a foe as deranged as Sugar, you'd need someone who's even more deranged."

"And..." Leonard said, wanting an explanation.

"Just give me a minute. It's risky, but I know exactly who to call."

* * *

Vials of chemicals bubbled over a complicated, electric contraption. Hanging above the vials was a globe covered in pins and knives that marked many world powers. The sound of rapid typing filled the room with clicks and chattering.

The phone on the desk of the room's occupant rang, releasing a shrill sound that echoed down the hallway outside. A frail, pale hand reached over and grabbed the phone. The holder placed the device on their ear and answered.

"You've reached Scarlett. How might my intellectual power benefit you?"

A nasally voice filled the phone and Scarlett gasped. "_Scarlett, it's me: your diabolical master_!"

Scarlett hung up and slammed her cellphone on her desk. She went back to typing as she tried to calm her anger.

The phone rang again. Scarlett rolled her eyes and continued to type, knowing that Max would have to stop calling eventually.

The phone rang again. Scarlett groaned and snapped it up. "What?!" the psychopath asked in the harshest tone possible. "And how did you get my cell number?!"

"_Evil has it's ways, but listen closely. I'm trapped in a redneck's basement with a pair of morons and I need you to help us get out! This is serious_!"

Scarlett felt her grip tighten around her phone as Max's voice filled her with rage. "I decline," she deadpanned.

"_Please! I'm scared_!" Max begged. "_Sugar is crazy and she's going to cannibalize us_!"

"I can sense the lies in your speech, Max. You're not fooling me with your desperation." Scarlett rolled her eyes again.

Max paused. "_Ok, maybe she won't eat us, but we're in danger_!"

"Who's this 'we'?" a doubtful Scarlett asked.

"_The wizard and the princess! It's true. I'm not pranking you this time, I swear_!"

"Your case is not benefiting from your argument. If you're telling the truth, like you claim, list one reason I should help you. Go ahead, I dare you."

"_Well, if you help me, I'll give you a sticker_!"

Scarlett sighed. "Try harder."

"_What about money_!?"

"I own plenty of currency. Countering Chris' lawsuit against me for my actions on 'Pahkitew Island' and winning has supplied me with millions." Scarlett smirked and chuckled.

"_Ok, I'll do anything! Anything_!"

Scarlett thought about the plethora of punishments she could inflict on Max over the phone. "Alright. Here's the deal. I'll save you if you confess that I am not only more intellectually gifted than you, but much more diabolical as well. Deal?"

Max gasped. "_Are you crazy?! That's ridiculously ludicrous! A new low for you_!"

"Well," Scarlett said with a smile on her face. "I suppose you can rot in that basement then. Goodbye, Max... forever."

"_Fine, I'll do it!" Max sobbed. "You're very, uh, well, not really, er..._"

"Well?"

"_You're... slightly less evil than I am... And you're slightly less smart than me._"

Scarlett groaned. "Good enough, I suppose. Now where are you?"

"_Oh, thank you! I'll be sure to repay you after-_"

Scarlett heard the sound of a slamming door through her phone, followed by screaming. "Max?!"

"_Get off that phone_!" rang a feminine voice. "_I'll rip you apart_!"

Scarlett gasped. "Max?! Come in!"

Scarlett was met by silence and static. She set the phone down on her desk and rubbed her temples.

"If I don't help him, he'll probably die," Scarlett said aloud. "If I save him, I'll probably get to do the deed myself. Decisions, decisions."

She turned to her computer and pulled up her search engine. The psycho typed in 'Sugar Total Drama' and clicked the green 'Go' button. At the top of the page was a picture of the teen herself. Scarlett scrolled down the page and came across exactly what she was looking for: the Honey Southerly's website, complete with an address and a picture of the farmhouse.

"Bingo," Scarlett said, smiling. However, she knew that not only was Sugar ready for an attack, but having dealt with her personally in hand-to-hand combat had given her a fair warning of Sugar's strength.

The brainiac leaned back in her chair and entered a state of deep contemplation. She would need weapons, lots of weapons. She knew where to find them, but it would take another internet search to formulate a plan to obtain them, but it would be worth it in the end. That, and stealing Max's prototypes would be icing on the cake of revenge that Scarlett had desired for months.

The red-headed genius opened up a new file on her computer. She typed vigorously and looked over the finished title.

"Operation: Children of the Corn is now officially underway." Scarlett's face was taken over by a cold, sinister smile as she typed away.

* * *

**~A/N~ Yep, Scarlett is now a cast member in the story, and she's still evil. As of this chapter, there are two chapters left, and I'm writing my butt off to get them out before Nanowrimo starts in November. If you don't know what it is, look it up. It's pretty cool if you love to write and have a great idea for a novel that you want published.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Fresh Tv. I'm only writing this for fun.**

**~A/N~ We're nearing the end, and this is the penultimate chapter, so hold on to your butts, because things are about to get crazy.**

* * *

_Chapter 9: The Reveal!_

* * *

Mr. and Mrs. Dow were sitting on their couch as Mrs. Dow sobbed her eyes out. Her husband wrapped his arms around her torso as she released countless tears onto his shoulder.

Mr. Dow rolled his eyes. "Look, I'm sure-"

"No you're not!" Mrs. Dow raised her head, now covered in tears. "He's not okay! It's been four days and he's not okay! What don't you get!?"

"I'm just saying that maybe we should let the police handle it. They've been trained to handle these situations and they've done it before. Plus, Max is a smart kid. I'm sure if he's in trouble, he'll find a way out."

"That's what you always say!" Mrs. Dow buried her face in her hands. "You don't understand! You've never loved him like I did; you never will."

A knock on the door interrupted Mrs. Dow's grief.

"It's the cops!" she gasped enthusiastically, standing up and running to the door.

When she opened the door, she was greeted by a young, white woman with glasses and scarlet hair, tied in a bun.

"Hello, ma'am," the woman said. "I'm Inspector Bates. Are you Mrs. Dow?"

Max's mother reached out and grabbed the woman's hand. "Did you find him? Please, tell me he's alive?!"

"Are you, or are you not Mrs. Dow? Answer me, please."

"Yeah, we're the Dows," Max's father said, leaning past his wife. "You're here for our son, right?"

"Precisely," Bates answered. "Now, may I come in?"

"Oh, uh, I don't-" started Mr. Dow.

"Oh, please come in!" Mrs. Dow interrupted. "I've waited so long to talk!"

As 'Mrs. Bates' passed by Mr. Dow, he tapped her shoulder and chuckled. "It ain't the only thing she waited a long time for, if ya' get my drift."

The Inspector impatiently glared at Max's father and continued to walk past him, stepping on his bare foot with her high heel. He gasped in pain.

Bates joined Max's parents on their leather sofa. She opened her briefcase and pulled out a large, electronic tablet.

"And that's for what?" Mr. Dow asked her.

Bates glared at Mr. Dow again. He looked around the room nonchalantly, trying to avoid her malicious gaze.

"Alright, shall we begin?" Bates asked the parents.

Mrs. Dow nodded her head and wiped a tear from her eye.

"Perfect," the officer said, smiling. "Now, tell me about Max."

"Well, he was born on Ju-"

"No!" Bates hissed. "We know his date of birth. Just describe his personality."

"Oh," Mrs. Dow whimpered. "Well, he's a beautiful child."

Mrs. Bates lightly scoffed. "Of course he is. Now, tell me more."

"He's loud, obnoxious, and a pain in the ass," Max's father blurted out. "He sure ain't beautiful either."

Mrs. Dow turned to see her husband shrug. "How dare you shame our child like that!" She sobbed and buried her face in the sofa cushion.

"Oh, I believe you," Bates deadpanned. "You have no idea."

Mrs. Dow quickly recovered and continued her description. "He's always... liked evil."

"The word, or the mere act of being evil?"

"Both," the plump woman replied. "He's always saying it at school, at home; in his sleep."

Bates tapped a few buttons on her touchscreen. "And you say he's a fanatic for the diabolical?"

"Well, yes."

"Interesting. Now, could you show me his room? I need to take precautions and make sure he's not a child felon."

"A felon?!" Mrs. Dow screeched. "He would never commit a crime. He's the sweetest, most innocent boy on the face of the planet!"

"So, I don't get to see his room?" Bates asked.

"You're here to help us find him, so do it, Mrs. Bates!" Mrs. Dow stood up and jabbed a finger into Bates' face.

The Inspector smiled maniacally and reached into her briefcase, pulling out a small canister and spraying the couple in the face with an odd vapor. Before Max's parents could react, they were surrounded with misty fumes that clouded their vision. Within seconds, they were out cold and on the ground, slumped against the edge of the sofa.

Bates took off her tinted glasses and continued to grin. "Please, call me Scarlett." She kicked the foot of the father to test the effects of her chemical spray. He didn't move.

"Perfect." Scarlett snatched her briefcase and stood up. "Let's get down to business."

The psychopath stepped around the fallen couple and began to ascend the staircase that led to the second floor. As she passed several pictures of Max's family, she knocked each one down, shattering the glass of every frame.

"So many memories," she scoffed. "Down the drain they go."

When Scarlett reached the top of the staircase, she was met by a long hallway with many doors on each side. However, Max's room was painfully easy to locate.

The mad genius walked up to the odd door and sighed. Glued to the front was a crude drawing of Max's face, most likely drawn as a self portrait. The face was colored with crayons and splattered with red glitter around the eyes. Above the horrid portrait was a sign that read '_Warning: Goody-Goodies Will Be Disintegrated On Sight_!'

"Charming," Scarlett said sarcastically. She reached at the doorknob to find it locked and covered in sticky residue. Scarlett cringed and wiped her hand on the drawing of Max.

"Fine," she sighed. "It appears as if I must use it after all." Scarlett reached into her pocket and pulled out a small tube of lipstick. She pulled off the cap and grasped the tube like a pen, pointing it at the door, and Max's drawing in particular.

She pressed a button on the back of the tube and a red laser shot out, slowly burning the door to ash in front of her. When the door was completely destroyed, Scarlett stepped inside the purple-tinted room. It was amazing... to an extent.

"interesting," she said, grabbing a vial of chemicals from Max's tube rack. "A sample of fluoroantimonic acid. How useful."

Scarlett carefully placed the acid in her briefcase, being careful not to break the glass vial. She turned her attention to the set of charts and graphs that hung from tacks that Max had stuck into the wall.

As she looked over each one, Scarlett chuckled. "Excellent. Given time, I should be able to rework these calculations and make-"

She pressed her hand down on Max's desk and heard a clicking sound. A rumbling noise echoed from within the wall behind Max's bookshelf as she discovered a small button under a stack of papers.

Suddenly, the bookshelf split in two, revealing a secret passageway marked with a sign that said '_Evil Stuff_.'

Scarlett smiled, grabbing her briefcase and entering the cramped passage. A light flickered on when she stepped into the tunnel, most likely from a motion sensor. At the end of the hall was a terminal.

"Jackpot," Scarlett said, walking up to the terminal and turning on the small computer.

"Please enter your pass code," Max's voice said from within the computer. A set of four boxes flashed onscreen; one for each character.

Scarlett rolled her eyes and typed 'E-V-I-L' into the slots. She pressed the 'enter' key and waited as a small hourglass popped up.

"Welcome back, me!" said the computer. "Enjoy your evil lab, and don't forget rule number one: keep it evil."

A set of doors opened with a hiss and Scarlett walked through. When she stepped foot in Max's lab, she nearly had a heart attack.

The walls were coated in a vast array of weapons and devices, ranging from guns and bombs, to colorfully wrapped birthday gifts and a game controller.

"Oh, this will do," Scarlett squealed in excitement. "This is certainly do."

* * *

Max's parents were still knocked out when Scarlett, stocked in full with metallic devices and a large backpack wrapped around her arms, waist, and back, strolled past them with a menacing smile on her mug.

"Enjoy your nap," she told the two adults. "May you be blessed with a beneficial dream-state and your miserable lives."

Scarlett opened the front door and stepped outside with the sound of clanking metal filling the morning air. She casually walked to her car, though she was struggling with the weight of her outfit.

The sound of a chuckle drew her attention to a pair of ten year old boys on bicycles standing a few feet down the sidewalk.

"Nice guns, _nerd_!" one of the boys taunted. "Where'd ya' get them, the dollar store!?" He laughed with his friends.

"Oh, no," Scarlett said with an informative tone. "These weapons are of my ownership and are very expensive. Well, the improvements are of my doing. I was merely provided prototypes."

"Not those guns, moron! _Those_ guns!" The other boy laughed hysterically, pointing at Scarlett's chest. She scowled and took a deep breath.

"Say, little boy. Have you ever wanted to fly like the birds?" Scarlett asked him in a suggestive tone.

"Uh, yeah," he said halfheartedly. "I guess."

"Well, every dog has his day, and today just happens to be yours." Scarlett shot the boy an evil glare and whipped out a small, pink handgun. She aimed and fired a blast of pink light at the bully.

A bright flash exploded when the boy was hit the beam. When the light subsided, he was gone. In his place was a tiny, pink butterfly.

"Tommy?!" the other boy gasped. He looked at Scarlett in terror. "What the hell is with you?!"

"Well, my IQ is exceptional, as is my aim. Now scram, or you'll join your winged friend there." She pointed to the pink butterfly that fluttered into the street. A car whizzed by and the insect was smashed into the windshield.

"Ahhhhh!" The other boy screamed, ditched his bike, and stumbled away as fast as he could.

Scarlett laughed and holstered her ray gun. "This is going to be fun."

* * *

Max's vision was blurry. So blurry in fact, that he couldn't even make out shapes. Lights were harsh and painful, so he tried to keep his eyes closed. He had no idea where he was or what had happened since Sugar had knocked them out with her weird neck pinch technique.

"Oh, Max," a voice echoed in his head. "Wake up, Max. You're home now."

"Mother?" Max whispered. "Mother? Is that you?"

"Mama's here for ya' now, Max. You're in my care."

Max felt a warm, meaty hand touch his shoulder and he smiled. "Wait!" he gasped. "That drawl!?"

Suddenly, the genius' vision became clear and he was greeted by Sugar, hovering over him like a carrion-craving bird. "Mornin' sleepy-pie. Don't worry, you're safe now, and improved too."

Max stared at Sugar with unease. "What?"

"Oh, you haven't seen it?" Sugar teased. "Well, your old body with soft, flabby, and too... dumb. So, I took responsibility and made you more... applicable."

Max looked down and nearly had a heart attack. His normal jumpsuit was no where to be found. Instead, his body was covered in a brownish material with a pink tint. He tried to move his hands and feet, but discovered that he was completely restrained to a table.

"Here, take a look," Sugar said, holding up a large mirror.

Max saw a monster. His entire body was covered in a leather-like material that resembled skin. A line of stitching ran up the center of the skin-tight suit, leading to Max's face. His head was covered in the same material, leaving only his eyes and mouth uncovered. A pig-like snout covered his nose and two floppy ears hung from his head. Max looked down at his hands and feet to see that the digits were taped together and painted to look like hooves .

"Wha-"

"Oh, it's okay," Sugar said calmly. "It's hard to get used to, but your new body will serve ya' well."

Max was speechless.

"Don't worry about the wizard and Ella. They're fine, just like you." Sugar grabbed the table that Max was strapped to and wheeled it around to face the opposite direction.

Leonard and Ella were tied down and covered in their own suits. Leonard's suit was bright white and fluffy with a pink face and black 'hooves' that resembled Max's. Ella was wrapped in feathers of different shapes and colors. Her head was topped with a latex glove that was painted a dark red and her mouth was covered with a yellow beak made of a plastic cup. Neither was awake.

"Beautiful, huh?" Sugar asked. "I've worked on those animal suits for months. You should feel lucky. You're the first testers I've had, so you get first dibs. Sounds good, huh." She elbowed Max in the shoulder.

"Cretin!" Max screamed. "You're mad! Not as mad as me, but it's a close race!"

Sugar sighed. "Here's the thing. I knew you weren't interested in me from day one. I had hope for us, so I gave it a chance. But like all the boys, you couldn't handle my general awesomeness. So, why should I let you go when you could be so useful? Get it?"

"No! What are you doing with us, anyways?!"

"I have a future, Max," Sugar said. "I have dreams to fulfill, but you... You have nothin' to do in life. You're a failure, so face the facts: you're better off with me."

"Shut it and tell me why I'm dressed up like a... Pig, right?"

Sugar nodded. "I wanted to use your old suit, but the skin textures were screwy, so I used real skin instead."

"Real skin!?" Max gasped. "You're sick!"

"It's tanned pig hide, you ninny. Stop being so rowdy, or the make-up will be ruined."

"Hold on... Make up!?" Max shouted. "That's why I'm here? You want to put make up on me?! How anticlimactic."

"My life has been devoted to animals and beauty, so why not combine both? Pretty smart if ya' ask me." Sugar pulled a brush and a make up kit out of her cleavage.

"Why us?!" Max asked. "Why not use your plethora of farm animals?

Sugar rolled where eyes. "Because animals are dumb! Duh! They run away. They fight the power. They even kick me in the face! But you'd never do that stuff. Plus, you're cheaper! So, shall we get started?"

"No!" Max screamed as Sugar brought the brush closer to is face. "Evil hates mascara!"

As screams of terror rang through the countryside, a small foot stepped out of the cornfield outside Sugar's farmhouse. The figure clenched it's fist and smiled in anticipation.

"It's payback time," Scarlett said, wiping red face paint onto her cheeks. "Game on!"

* * *

**~A/N~ There's the weirdness I promised. I probably creeped plenty of you out with that reveal, but hopefully the jokes kept the mood light. Remember, this story shouldn't be taken too seriously. That is all. **

**Next time: Epicness**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to Fresh Tv. I own nothing.**

**~A/N~ Well, here we are. It's the finale and the battle lines have been drawn, so kick back and prepare your bodies!**

* * *

_Chapter 10: That Chapter Where Everything Gets Resolved In A Timely Manner Without Leaving Too Many Loose Ends_

* * *

Scarlett reached down to her waist and pulled out a pair of binoculars. She zoomed in on the farmhouse ans noticed that a single light was on near the back of the house, casting an eerie glow on the backyard.

She turned her attention to the barn. One of the doors was slightly open, revealing a hint of golden light.

"Phase one is underway," Scarlett whispered to herself as she stepped out of the cornfield and into the cow pasture. Rows of hay bails stretched across the meadow, giving Scarlett a nice cover that was out of view from the house.

As Scarlett passed by the barn, she couldn't help but looks inside. She pushed the door open a bit more and peered around the other door. "Max?" she whispered. "Anybody?"

"Who's that?" replied a masculine voice. "Are you an officer?"

Scarlett, being curious, stepped inside the barn and frantically searched for the owner of the odd voice. She opened one of the pig pens and saw two muddy figures sitting on the ground with their limbs hog-tied together.

One figure raised it's head. "Please, you gotta help us! She trapped us here and made us roll in shit!"

Scarlett sighed. "Sorry, you're not who I'm here to find. But you can help me!" She reached down and wiped the mud from the face of the other figure. She gasped. "You!"

"Oh fuck," the figure trembled. "Scarlett?!"

"The one and only," Scarlett smirked. "I see that you remember me, Officer Tammy Wilson."

"How did... How you get out?!" Tammy stuttered. "You got a life sentence!"

"Tammy, who the hell is the bitch?" Officer Ray asked. "You know her?"

"She tried to kill seven people on television," Tammy told her partner. Scarlett smiled as if she was proud.

"She's a killer?" Ray gasped.

"Not entirely," Scarlett pointed out. "I've yet to intentionally kill a human, but I can't say the same for hamsters, cats, dogs, chickens, and the like. Well, not unless you include turning a child into an insect and having him get hit by a car, that is."

Ray began to cry. "We're not gonna tell anybody if ya' let us go! You can trust us! Please don't rip my guts out!"

"Oh, I'm not worried about you two. After tonight, you won't have to worry about your dull lives ever again. Sound familiar?" She looked at Tammy.

"I didn't mean it, Scarlett. I didn't!" Tammy was breathing heavily as she tried to keep calm.

Scarlett reached down and wiped the rest of the mud from her face. "Repeat what you said when you closed the door to my cramped prison cell. Go ahead. I want to hear it again."

Tammy looked away and let out a sorrowful sigh.

"Say it. Now!" Scarlett demanded, glaring at Tammy with her terrifying, cold eyes.

"Enjoy your miserable life in hell, stupid bitch!" The officer broke down and started weeping. "I was wrong! I didn't mean it! I swear on the bible!"

"Music to my ears," Scarlett said. "Now listen here, imbeciles. I'm after a rather short boy with a hideous face and purple hair. Tell me where he is."

"We don't know," Ray gasped. "Sugar knocked us out before we could find him!"

Scarlett nodded. "Completely believable, but not good enough." She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small box wrapped in colorful wrapping paper. "Now tell me everything."

"We don't know!" Tammy blurted out. "We don't know a damn thing!"

Scarlett stood up and straightened her pose. "Well, then you're useless to me." She grabbed at the ribbon that tied the box together and pulled it off. "You know, it's actually ironic that it had to be you." She dropped the box and walked out of the barn without looking back.

When the box hit the ground, Ray smiled. "Hey, how'd she know it's my birthday?!"

He tapped the box with his foot as Tammy screamed. "Ray, noooooo!"

The officers gasped and covered their faces. Nothing happened.

"Ha!" Ray cheered, a smile on his face. "It didn't blow up!"

Suddenly, the box's top sprung open and a plastic Max head sprouted out like a Jack-in-the-box, startling the two cops.

"God, it's hideous!" Ray screamed.

"It's harmless, Ray," Tammy said. "It's just a gag; a joke!" She chuckled and tapped the box with her boot.

"Time to _evil_!" the Max head said in a squeaky voice.

Ray and Tammy laughed until their eyes were watering as the head began to laugh as well, producing one of Max's typical evil laughs.

All of the sudden and without warning, the eyes of the Max head were glowing red and the voice became deeper and more sinister. "Prepare to die, fools!" The mouth opened up and a laser beam shot out, zapping both cops at once and leaving them as piles of ash and clothes.

Outside, Scarlett turned back and smiled before continuing to move towards the house. "Good riddance."

* * *

"No!" Max screamed as Sugar coated his face in powder. "I'm not a clown... I'm an _evil_!"

"Shut up, Max!" Sugar hissed. "I ain't done with this fabulous work of art!"

"Evil will not... give in to... your heinous desires!"

"Hey!" a curious and enthusiastic voice chimed from behind the duo. "Why am I a sheep?!"

Sugar turned and saw Leonard and Ella awake and struggling to escape from their restraints. "Because ya' are. Now shut it and wait for your turn!"

"But I wanted to be a gryphon!" Leonard whined. "Sheep aren't magical at all unless their fleece is golden!"

"And I wanted to be a swan!" Ella whined in unison.

"It's what it is, so cut the chatter!" Sugar growled impatiently.

"Yeah, fools, cut the chatter!" Max said, trying to break free of his constraints. "And help _me_!"

"Stop fussin' or I'll get ornery!" Sugar grabbed Max's hands and leaned in close to his face.

"You were being nice before?!" Max gasped. "You're bluffing!"

"Sugar don't bluff!" She slapped Max across the cheek, smearing the white makeup. "Now let me make you beautiful!"

Max screamed, but his shriek was cut off by a rumbling noise outside the door of the room, which was, as Max had just noticed, was the same room where Sugar had played dress up with him nearly a week before.

"What in tarnation is that noise?" Sugar glared at the door and dropped her utensils.

The noise stopped and Sugar, along with her slaves, cautiously raised their eyebrows.

Suddenly, the door flew off it's hinges and smashed into Sugar straight on, knocking her to the floor. Standing in the cloud of smoke on the other side of the doorway was Scarlett, holding a small canister of lipstick which she immediately placed in her pocket.

"You came!" Max cheered. "You really _do_ know how to be useful!"

Scarlett walked into the room smiling. She walked over to Max and cut his restraints with a pocket knife. His face was covered in white smudges and his cheeks were painted with a rosy pink. Scarlett chuckled.

"It's not funny! Do you know what I've been through?!" Max chastised Scarlett and waved his fist furiously.

Scarlett rolled her eyes. Max hadn't changed a bit. "You want to get out, right?"

Max sighed. "If we must." He stopped and looked at Scarlett's waist and the weapons that covered it. "Hey, those are my inventions!"

"I know. Your designs were adequate, but I improved upon them. And now, they're all fully functioning and-"

"Hey!" Leonard complained. "What about us?!"

"Meh," Scarlett said. "Do we really have to?" she asked Max.

"Screw their petty souls! Let's go!"

"Not so fast, little man!" Sugar screamed, pushing the heavy door off of her body and standing up, covered in dirt. "This little piggy goin' to the slaughter house!" She pulled a meat cleaver out of nowhere and grew a maniacal grin.

Max screamed, cowering behind Scarlett. "Do something, sidekick."

Scarlett cringed and pulled out a pink handgun. "Try this on for size!"

"My butterfly ray!" Max cheered. "Capable of turning anything into a butterfly!"

Scarlett took aim and fired, but Sugar reflected the pinkish beam with the metal cleaver. The beam rebounded and hit the gun, blinding the duo with a bright light. When the light cleared, Scarlett was holding a butterfly in her palms which she quickly crushed.

"Impressive," the psycho said to Sugar. "But how about a little gift?!" She pulled a wrapped box out of her array.

"The birthday bomb," Max commented. "Able to vaporize anything in the nicest way possible... with a gift!"

Scarlett tossed the box at the pageant queen, who quickly sliced it in two.

"Quick, sidekick, try the Sonic Deathboom ray!" Max said, tugging at Scarlett's belt of tricks.

"The what?" Scarlett asked cluelessly, unaware of what Max was referring to.

"This!" Max pulled out a dish-like item and pointed it at Sugar. "It can explode eardrums!"

The dish suddenly collapsed and fell off, leaving Max to chuckle nervously. "I guess it was, uh, just a prototype."

Sugar growled and threw her cleaver at the short teen, but missed and embedded it in the wall next to him.

Max screamed and ran out the door, leaving Scarlett alone to face her opponent.

"Well, what ya' got left?" Sugar taunted the quiet brainiac. "Nothin' at all, huh?"

Scarlett touched the remaining weapons and felt beads of sweat trickling down her face. She knew it was all or nothing. It was time.

"Oh, don't won't worry, Sugar. I have plenty of tricks up my sleeve. Just like this!"

Scarlett reached behind her and tapped a button on the top of her backpack before immediately stretching her arms to her sides. A hiss filled the air as the backpack began to... transform.

Cords and metallic sheets shot out of the sides of the leathery pack and covered Scarlett's chest and arms. A spine-like cord shot up and connected itself to her neck. A pair of goggles emerged from the cord and covered Scarlett's eyes.

Sugar was stunned. "What..."

"Enjoy the presentation," Scarlett said, smiling, as the suit of armor coated her hands and face.

"You might a robot suit, but I have it where it counts," Sugar said pointing to her head.

"Your misconceptions of your brainpower are hilarious," Scarlett said through her mask with glowing eyes.

"Oh, really?" Sugar asked sarcastically. "Well, I'll have ya' know that I scored a five on my college entrance test. Beat that, sucker!"

"Understood," Scarlett said, raising her fist and aiming at Sugar. A small slot opened up above her fist and a small, sharp blade shot out at Sugar's face.

The pageant queen screamed in terror and ducked as the blade whizzed through her hair, cutting a chunk of it out.

"Ha," Leonard laughed.

Sugar turned and punched Leonard in the face, knocking him unconscious. Ella sat still and watched it all go down.

"No one touches my golden locks and gets away without gettin' Sugared!" The pageant queen lunged at Scarlett and grabbed her metal-clad arms.

Scarlett fought back and grabbed Sugar's hair, ripping out a huge clump and leaving her crying in pain and anger.

In retaliation, Sugar jammed her knee into Scarlett's stomach and the genius doubled, falling down with Sugar on top.

The pageant queen quickly gained the upper hand and began to beat Scarlett's face, striking the mask with a massive force and knocking it off.

"Well, look who's been Sugared," Sugar cackled, reaching up and grabbing her meat cleaver. She ran it along Scarlett's face as the brainiac tried to break free.

"Hold it right there, fiend!" a familiar voice rang out.

Sugar looked up and saw Max, still in his pig suit.

"It is I, the world's most evil genius, here to save the day!" Max puffed his chest and smiled like a maniac.

"Oh shut it, short stuff!" Sugar snarled as she brought the knife closer to Scarlett's face. "You ain't got nothin' on me."

"Or do I?" Max shouted bombastically.

"Do you?" Scarlett asked dryly. "If you pull some stunt, I swear-"

"Wrong, sidekick. For I have found the most evil, the most deadly, and the most heinous weapon of all time!" Max laughed and pulled out a piece of metal. "The fork!"

Sugar snickered. "The fork?! The fork?! That's the stupidest thing-"

Sugar was cut off when Max flung it at her face and missed... by a country mile. Given the chance, Scarlett shot a punch directly into her jaw, knocking her over and allowing herself to take the offensive.

"Yes, sidekick! Destroy her booty!" Max cheered as Scarlett pelted Sugar with a barrage of punches, kicks, and slaps. Sugar grabbed Scarlett's arm by the armor and accidentally clicked a button on the side, causing a sword to pop out the front. Scarlett smiled and swung, slashing at Sugar was rapid strikes, swipes, and lunges.

Then Sugar did the unthinkable. She grabbed the blade itself and ripped it off, cutting both hands to shreds and pouring blood over her pink top. Scarlett tried to fall back, but Sugar tackled her to the ground yet again. However, something was different.

When Sugar hit the ground with the redhead in her grasp, she felt a searing pain in her gut, followed by a warm trickle of heat. She gasped and fell off Scarlett, revealing a bloody wound in her belly with a piece of metal jutting out. It was a small blade from Scarlett's arm cannon, stained in red and dripping with blood.

Sugar gasped and began to shudder before she collapsed like a bag of bricks. She breathed a small groan and passed out.

"Great job, minion!" Max congratulated Scarlett. "We did it!"

"That we did," Scarlett grunted as she struggled to stand up. "Now let's get out of this hell hole!"

"But I wanted to draw genitalia on her face and steal her money," Max whined.

"No time," Scarlett said nonchalantly. "I set a bomb in the house to detonate in precisely eighty seconds. Unless you want to become a meal for the vultures, you'd better listen to me and get out!"

"But what about us!?" Ella shouted from her place on the table as she nodded in Leonard's direction. "You can't leave us here!"

"Screw you!" Max screamed as he ran outside.

Scarlett followed the mastermind outside and waved at Ella as she left. "Enjoy the fireworks, princess."

Max heaved his way into the driveway as Scarlett followed closely behind. He turned back and laughed. "See, Scarlett, I told you that I would save the day."

"Really?" Scarlett asked. "You never said that. If I remember correctly, you cried to me for help and got dressed up in that suit."

Max looked at his costume and groaned. "Maybe you're right about that. Well, partially right. I mean, there's no way I'd cry for help when-"

Suddenly, the farmhouse exploded in a flash of white, knocking Max to his feet. He looked back to see the building collapse and burst into flames.

"It's so beautiful," Max said, his eyes like saucers. "It's just so..."

"Evil?" Scarlett asked.

"Yeah... Evil."

Despite the victory at hand, something was off about the atmosphere, and Max could sense it. Suddenly, the rubble of the building was ripped apart and a dark figure stepped out, accompanied by a loud buzz.

Sugar stepped into the light cast by the fire, coated in blood. She lifted up a chainsaw and smiled wickedly at the evil duo. "Time to get _Sugared_!"

Max and Scarlett screamed simultaneously and ran away from the house with Sugar in hot pursuit, albeit with a limp.

"Quick, Max! Follow me!" Scarlett grabbed his shoulder and pulled him down the driveway.

"Ready to die, little pig!?" Sugar laughed from within the darkness. "Sugar's got a hankerin' for some pork tonight!"

"She's crazy," Scarlett said calmly. "But she's not on wheels. My car's parked about two hundred and fifty meters down the county road. If we can get to it without dying, we're safe."

"Good," Max panted. "Now how we kill her?"

"We won't!" Scarlett snarled. "I like my life, and I'm sure prison will have nice cell ready for her!"

"That's not fair," Max whined as he and Scarlett crossed the railroad tracks and jumped onto the roadway, mere feet from the car. "She tried to kill me!"

"Enough, now get in!" Scarlett yelled as she struggled to unlock her car doors.

The buzz of Sugar's chainsaw was growing closer as Max tapped Scarlett's wrist, telling her to go faster. She hissed back and managed to find the right key, unlocking the door.

"Go!" Max shouted, jumping into the passenger's seat and slamming the door. Scarlett jumped in and turned on the ignition, slammed the gas pedal, and sped away just as Sugar swiped at the car with her weapon.

"I'll get you little man!" she screamed, waving her chainsaw through the air. "You're both gonna die!"

As she watched the lights of Scarlett's vehicle disappear down the road, she smashed her chainsaw into the ground and grasped her wound. Suddenly, a loud honk erupted from behind her as the road became flooded in a bright light. Sugar turned in time to see a flash of light bathe her in terror, but couldn't move out of the way.

Sugar hit the pavement and apparently died as the bus sped down the road. Or, maybe it was a train. She probably couldn't even tell the difference anyway, so it doesn't matter.

* * *

Scarlett drove Max home after removing the pig suit and stopped in front of his house. She turned to him and sighed. "There. I hope you understand how much I went through to save your pathetic life."

"Oh, I do," Max said gratefully. "I'm sorry for dragging you into this, but my mind is too valuable to lose."

"You're pushing it, Max. Just go!"

Max looked down and back at Scarlett. "Scarlett?"

"What?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"No," she hastily responded.

"Alright, well I don't know how to word this, but..."

"I said no, Max. Now get out of my car."

"Scarlett... Will you be my sidekick?!"

Scarlett smiled and looked at Max again. She leaned in close to his ear and whispered. "No."

Suddenly, Max felt a sharp pain in his side before passing out. Scarlett watched him fall out of the car as she fiddled with the taser in her hands.

With Max off the road and out of her care, the redhead smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. "Finally." She leaned over and closed the door of her car before reaching inside her glove box and pulling out a small switch.

"And..." Scarlett flipped the switch and the ground began to shake. The Dow's house erupted in fire before exploding across the yard, scattering wood and metal over the road and shattering the neighbor's windows.

"Now we're done..."

Scarlett drove off as Max slept on the front yard, smiling and dreaming about evil forks, pigs, and candy fairies. Yes, candy fairies.

* * *

**Well, that's all she wrote... maybe. ;)**

**I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. This whole idea was on a whim and I'm glad it got support, so thanks to all who reviewed! Sadly, this story has to end, and in a rather deathly fashion too, but it was a comedy, so take things lightly.**

**It's weird though. I wanted to write a story that would get Sugar more fans, but I think I did the opposite, and this ISN'T even a Sugar bashing fic. Oh well. At least there might be more Sugar related stories out there soon, and maybe even from me.**


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